Long long entry

It's been a long long time since i last updated this page.

Anyway, this month, a lot of things happened.

First of all,

I've officially finished my 2nd year of BDS with my exams ending last friday.

Not fantastic, but extremely stressful to the point i thought i need some 1st generation anti-histamine such as dihydramine to treat my anxiety induced emesis.

results have been lousy and i feel so bad about it. Exams are so stressful and i don't think i did well. This year's questions were all kinda unexpected. totally not according to the TYS trend at all.

I didn't do as well as i ought to.

Yea.

Disappointment. what to do.. hai

Well, once again, my cat for injured, and he visited the vet, and burned another hole in my already very holey pocket. That's almost a thousand dollars by the way.

And now... at least things are starting to improve slightly at home,

Just that i hope my parents' health will be even better.

Then, my closest cousin ( i've got 2 closest one, one is already married) is getting married, so went around to look at wedding gowns.

And yea, i'm already booked by her and her best friend(also my goodfriend) to be their bride's maid. That means i'll be bride's maid three times and according to traditions, i think i can't be anyone's bride's maid anymore unless i am really not afraid of being single for the rest of my life. Cos apparently, if you're for more than 3 times, you'll be single and can only be bride's maid for the rest of your life and not a bride.

haha

Well..

Finally getting a break for sometime. feeling really tired for a long time now.

I felt so burnt out after this 2 terms, with the multiple tests and the exams. i just felt like i couldn't breathe anymore, till the point i felt like puking(literally) when i see the notes, till the point i find myself walking in circles in my room thinking of what i should do, to the point i just sat down and stared blankly and asked myself whether this is what i really want.

I felt so dis-illusioned and it's like what my cousin says.. i'm like a rubber band at the point of snapping. I just felt so so tired.

At some point in time i even felt like stopping everything and just go and do something else and not dentistry. Thinkng back, i can't believe i harboured that thought.

Sometimes i wonder if anyone still comes here and reads my blog.

But nonetheless, this is my blog. i guess i shall keep it going cos this is my way of keeping contact with my friends, so at least they know what is going on in my life.But i felt kinda hurt recently when someone made a remark about my blogging till the point i didn't want to blog anymore. Close it down, no one says anything, no one makes any comment, i revert to diary writing and that's it.

Sometimes i wonder why do others not see the reason why i'm doing certain things. I do things for a reason, i don't see the point of explaining everytime i do it. It's too tiring for me. I need a lot of freedom and not questioning about why i do certain things and why i don't. Or why i didn't do certain things etc.

My life, i hope i have the final say and i hope others respect my decision. I can't possibly be doing what others hope i'll do so as not to make anyone unhappy, and end up making myself unhappy.

I don't want to live under anyone's expectations, that kind of pressure, i can't take and i don't want to take.

Give me a cup, whether it is tea, coffee or plain water, i want to decide what to fill it up with, perhaps even not filling it up with anything.

I cannot be doing what others hope i'll do, i can't be doing what others expect me to do, what others want me to do. This is not my life when all that i'm doing is what others hope i'll do, i don't want to live in fear that when i don't do it, i'll need to give explanations, i'll need to apologise, or change my usual way of doing things, or my habits or that i'll just need to do certain things in order not to engage anyone's wrath when i know deep down i am not happy at all.

I feel so pressurized, i don't think i am even happy at all.

Sometimes certain things don't have a reason, don't feel like it, means don't feel like it. I like tea before bedtime, i know it's contradictory, but i like it the way it is. no reasons. i just feel so tired having to explain to detail to make people understand, and having to anticipate what rebuts i'll need to face and how to overcome them. It's too much for me and it makes me so so so tired.

sometimes life is just so tiring i wonder why do i need to do all these. Sometimes perhaps moving to somewhere where nobody knows u, it'll be better, get a fresh start, do things the way u want, cos there's no one to judge you, to question you. You lead your life the way you want. isn't that great? There're no restrictions, nothing.

People only see themselves when they do things. I am no exception, but it just makes me feel so tired that certain things which i do for others, they don't see it and criticise me for it.

I'm so sick of it. so tired of it everytime i think about it, till the point i don't even want to be reminded of it.

I don't know whether is it the current lifestyle that is making me so easily tired of things, or that what ever that has happened the past year.

For those who know what has been going on, regina, ash, siew, kaisiang etc.. thanks for being there when i needed someone the most and for keeping a look out for me to make sure i am still sane admist all the insanity. Somehow they know it's tough and have been listening to me all these while and seeing me through, and yet be so ever understanding when i can't meet them as often as before and respecting me for my choice, decision and need for personal space as well. I don't think it's an easy task to accomplish cos sometimes i don't even know what i want as well.

Seriously i have no idea how i got past this year, how i manage to bear with it all, be like usual and go to school like nothing has happened. Sometimes little actions like asking me how i'm doing makes such a big difference.

Also i'll like to thank veron cos she made me see so much better everytime i read her smses, her encouragment etc and it makes a whole lot of difference to know that someone is looking out for me in school in case i run into troubles again.

They told me they worry for me and frankly speaking, this is like the first time i hear my friends telling me things like this. And i felt so touched by the little things they do, like calling me now and then, smsing me, making a card and photoframe etc. :) They really make me feel that they think for me, my family, my overall being more than what they think for themselves, what they didn't get from me, what i didn't manage to fufil as a friend's role. ( somehow this sentence sounds weird, but nvm la huh)

They make such a big difference, i think school will be so intolerable without them.

Hopefully when school starts, nothing goes terribly wrong, especially when clinics start.

I guess this entire year has been so tiring i need a break. i need time for myself, i've hardly given myself any time ever since school started, i feel so deprived. I need time for myself, to relax, to think, to reflect, to just do nothing and spend sometime with myself and be absolutely comfortable with no one else other than myself and listen. I need to find myself again before i start losing myself and my vision admist all the competition, all the stress, all the pressure that life brings.

Like what ashley always tell me: i need to find my first love. i need to find my initial goal, my passion, my attitude, my drive for my passion.

I need to take some time off to let the haze clear up before i can see the stars and hear my own heartbeat once again.

Life is tough, but it's because we're tough enough to make it through that's why we're here.

:)