disappointment

So many things i want to say.

But have no idea how to do it.

So many things i try to do..

but that i got in return is just disappointment.

Kinda sick of it.

As much as i would like to not give a damn and ignore it,

It haunts me everyday.

Saying anything doesn't makes any difference

tired.

shall sleep and ignore.

想说

我真的好想说，

但多以天后在说。

毕竟，

或许。。。

我自己该想一想。

才来评论

spark

Suddenly i thought of the scene slightly more than a year ago during SOW.

When i got the call, how happy i was, how siew and i screamed and then me, reg and siew simply hugged and cheered.

That call... that emotion...

somehow i seem to be losing it all. It worries me.

Why is it that i wanted it so much back then, the disappointment and it all.

Sometimes i go get the flame back,

but that's only once in a while... and it lasts not more than 2 days.

it shouldn't be like that.

What exactly went wrong? What happened?

Am i taking things for granted?

Am i tired of how things are?

Am i drained?

I really don't know

I would like to think of myself as a junior dentist, but it's just impossible.

I would like to take everyday as the first day of school,

but it just seems so tough.

Is it the workload, is it the stress?

Dis-illusioned sometimes.

I want to look forward to school and lessons.

I need to find the spark...

How can i find it, where is it?

I need to find my direction again.

cinderella

Ok, i just did something kinda dumb.

Went to youtube to look at videos of cinderella after hsiu tzu intro-ed a song to me.

I can't help but wonder what actually happened after cinderella and the prince got married.

From the looks of it,

1. both grew fat, cinderella from post pregnancy weight gain and the prince from simply being a couch potato

2. had dozens of yelling kids, my goodness. imagine a house full of kids behaving exactly like those horrible ones u'll see in some movie on parenting

3. quarrels. heh. imagine cinderella red faced from quarreling with the prince cos he forgot to put down the toilet bowl seat after he pee-ed.

4. hen-pecked prince. hahaha. visualize him massaging her shoulders and what not.

well, just feel free to add to this collection of wild ideas. The more absurd it is, the better. hahaa

Actually cinderella is also not someone who's 好惹的。She knew about the ball and ACTUALLY made preparations to go for it, well, she had intentions to go MEET the prince eh. Talk about 爱慕虚荣。

Then, she also kept looking at herself and what not. Hiao lah.

And and, she looked at the prince seductively during the dance. gosh.. 妖里妖气.

finally, she actually overslept in one of the earlier scenes, that kinda made her look like a spoilt brat. LAZY LA.

I don't have anything against her, but..

i guess we just need a twist to some stories for some cheap thrill sometimes.

圆圈圈

圆圈圈。

走不到终点，

到不了原点。

到底要走到几时呢？

hols

This has got to be my worse hols ever since JC 2.

I actually look forward to school.

random

有希望就有失望。

但没希望，什么都没有了。

希望，然后渴望。

过后失望，最后遗忘。

好简单的原理。

历史的重演或许是因为人的健忘，

所以就像圈圈一样，

没头没尾的继续。

从一个错误的终点走到下一个错误的起点。

一切又从头来过。

我们总爱这么说。

真奇妙。

stars

Certain things,

certain events,

certain people.

when i think about it,

i find myself smiling out of no reason.

Lights up my life, brightens up my world, cheers up my day.

Be it nonsensical, simply nice or just plain silly.

I'm blessed.

Stars do light up the night sky.

:)

continue from yesterday

Didn't get to study today.

Hai. screwed up.

Anyway, continuing form yesterday's discussion.

Hmmm. i just thought that what if you're a doctor and your wife's pregnant.

AND, the gynae is your classmate.

yikes.

And if you happen to be the wife of a gynae,

how do you feel if your husband goes to work everyday.

erm ya.

haha.

i think we should make friends with fewer doctors.

doctors' prob

i realise doctors and dentists have a problem.

When they're ill,

it's rather awkward to visit another doctor to get treatment,

esp when your industry is so darn small.

can u imagine asking ur colleague to scale and polish for u,

tell you how many decay u have.

Worse for doctors...

getting your friend to stick a stethoscope up your shirt,

or worse, if you're pregnant and your gynae is your erm.. classmate.

right.

Hols overview

This has got to be one of my worst hols ever.

First week was really not bad.

Then it started going downhill.

The last few days is going to be the worst of it all.

let it end.

Somehow i wish school can start earlier,

so i don't have to wake up to an empty house.

If only my cat knows and stays home more often.

Let it end soon.

bye bye

A part of me tells me it's ok,

Another part tells me it's not going to be.

Perhaps,

i'm just not used to it.

But i guess,

i will just miss her afterall.

though she pisses me off really badly sometimes,

she's quite good.

Use to quite like it that i have the whole house by myself, perhaps it's because i know she'll be back.

But now that she will not come again,

I do feel a bit sad.

人生没有不散的宴席,

i guess things will get better.

My maid's going home for good.

Bye bye :)

please read

decided to share this.

As much as i wish i am able to do all those written,

sad to say, it's kinda tough.

This is an extract of the NTU Convocation Ceremony speech this year. Delivered by Adrian Tan, a litigation lawyer at one of Singapore’s top law firms. I read this on a fren’s blog and i liked it alot, so i though i should share it here.
Life and How to Survive It

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.
On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.
And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.
The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that ‘Learning is a lifelong process’ and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.
I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.
Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.
Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.
Work kills. The Japanese have a term ‘Karoshi’, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are ‘making a living’. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan ‘Arbeit macht frei’ was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.
Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say ‘be loved’. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.
Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You’re going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there’s no life expectancy.

:)

Studied at school today.

Much more productive than at home,

and puts me in a better mood.

Studying with siew is just so good.

She just made my day.

:)

:)

I miss my sec sch days and my sec sch friends.

I miss NJ friends.

But things just seem so different now.

Busy with individual things, different aspects, different people, different issues.

That there is no more common topic.

Conversation seems like a chore unlike before.

It's still there, but something's missing.

When people say u make real friends in sec sch and jc,

they meant it.

They still do.

tired

What i need,

I don't get.

What i can't afford to give,

I get pushed.

Nevermind no support,

but i don't need cynicism.

I need space.

Things will only get worse..

I can't change it.

I don't even have time for myself,

let alone have the energy.

Get a balance.. yeah

ideal, but almost impossible.

I don't wish to argue.

I'm tired.

。。。

人。。。

总爱想歪歪。

我的天啊。。。

ok la

quite funny，

so nvm。

Continue ba。

巧

这次该不会是真的吧。

我想像的，

竟然成真。

但可惜的是，

我不在场。

没能体会，

也应此无法知道。。。

如果我在的话，

当时所发生的事，

和我想像的准确度到底有多少。

可是，

那也会不会太巧了。

但事情过了这么久，

算了啦。

也许这就该如此。

random thoughts

Lost and yet long for it.

Found and yet discard it.

Own and yet not know it.

Feel and yet ignore it.

Human beings are just all so weird.

Don't they know what they want, only to regret their decisions later.

But when given the chance they just choose not to do anything about it.

I think my grammar's worst.

So many things to settle,

so many things to do,

so many things to get ready,

so many things on my shoulders.

so heavy..

just so heavy.

I will learn to deal with it...

If only

If things could be better,

I'll like to hear the truth.

Let it be so loud it deafens everyone,

so that in the end.

Nobody can hear a thing.

If things could be better,

I'll like to be smarter with better memory and understanding skills,

so that i can study less and yet do well,

so i can spend more time doing what i want,

doing what i need.

If things could be better,

i'l like to stop guessing about everything,

so it makes things less complicated,

makes me less worried,

makes me less stressed like a kan jiong spider.

That are all possible..

If only.

haha. at last

With the new additions at home...

I feel like i can finally do without a maid.

With my mind at ease.

AND...

I just remembered i need to get a new mop.

ok.

At least now i'm less stressed with a new washing machine.

circle

It always ends up in a vicious circle.

Slack too much, play too much.

Then sleep too much.

Then panick a lot.

Then study very hard.

Then feel very tired and stressed.

so. play a lot again.

then play too much.

and the circle continues.

Like many other things in life.

A circle continues.

There is no starting point nor ending point in a circle.

When it stops, it just stops.

Just the way i'm feeling now.

Odd questions

I don't know why she asked me those questions today.

Perhaps she or rather they are just curious..

since,

she's not the first one to ask such questions.

Got it from a few of them already.

But still quite shocked by how frank they can get.

Haha.

This kinda things....

顺其自然，有就有。。。

没有又能怎么样。。

哈哈。

I'm trying not to read too much into it.

Anyway, really thankful that my cousin and her husband gave me a ride home just now, and let me bake and mug at their house.

So nice, also dunno how to repay them.

Little gestures, great impact

Tian Chang Di Jiu

Found the music on one of the baby blogs which i have been following for the past year.

Absolutely love the music.

Do listen too,

It's on the right hand side of my blog.

:)

Enjoy

smash the water pipes

I have no idea why the water at my house is damn it bloody small.

Makes me really irritated esp when i shower.

It's like.. what the hell..

trickle of water.

And when somebody turns on the tap or flushes the toilet bowl,

there goes your water source.

As in TOTALLY GONE.

NOT EVEN A SINGLE DROP.

I will smash the water pipe if given the chance.

It's making me super duper damn it irritated i wanna pull out all my hair.


ARGH...............

ROAR!!

wooo lala

能令人读了我的entry之后遐想的梦。。。

I LIKE~~

lol

can't get any better.

haha. continue guessing hor.

haha. cheap thrill

梦

如果昨晚的梦是真的，

我会 go OH MY GOD！

应为感觉 ok la is really 挺不错，

很舒服，也有点无法形容。

可能还有点shiok。

如果要用一个字去形容便是。。。

OOooohh nice。。。

Wa Seh！！！原来是那么样的一种感觉。

很微妙，很让人搞不清楚，也很让人觉得暖暖的。

就像一杯super rich 的hot mocha，

在那种冬天里，捧在手心，慢慢品尝的感觉。

可是也有点奇怪，

应为。。。

就是超 (&$(*@#(@&* 的奇怪。

ok， 我妈妈说不可以骂粗话。

haha wth。

那么形容不是应为新加坡没有冬天 or that 我没喝过 hot mocha

但就是有点eh？！！！！

也有点hur？！！！

最后便是个。。。 WHAT？！ 是我在做梦吧。（实事是我真的在做梦。）

有点 “不会吧，有没有搞错？真的是我？”

但梦归梦，

和实事终究是两回事，

有些人说梦境会和事实相反。

也无所谓，应为反正就不会发生，

Aiyah，

日有所思，夜有所梦，

就是那么简单。

总结是。。。 想太多lor。

可以100%肯定的说，

那是永远也不会发生的事。

可以叹一口气，

不发生或许也不是一件坏事。

Aiyah 反正。。。

既然永远都不会发生，

作个梦也不错。

没什么大不了。

爽一爽，笑笑就好。

反正梦终究是梦，不会发生，也不会成为事实。

过了就好。

wait a minute 。。。这绝对不是你们脑子里想的那些肮脏的 lor。。。

也不是什么有的没的梦。

它是个。。。

不能说的秘密。

OMG. I like the pun. haha

thank you :)

Talking to you really made me feel so happy and grateful.

To be able to have someone listening to me,

To be there to listen to my troubles,

share my joy,

share my darkest secrets and emotions with,

Giving me feedback in the most honest manner.

I'm so glad i found such a friend.

Thanks a lot Hsiu Tzu.

:D

想清楚了吗?:)

不去想。

也不想再去想。

因为结果不在我掌控之中，

也不会因为我做的什么事而改变。

与其浪费时间胡思乱想，

不如做我因该做的事，

用心，用脑，尽我的全力去完成我的职责。

有些事情可以等，有些事情一过了就没有了。

是时候从新，也从心去看看

我需要的和我想要的，和我应当做的，

毕竟是三个不同的东西。

从新看清楚，从心想想，从头开始，

何尝不是一件好事。

需要的必须争取，

应当做的必须尽全力，

想要的必须耐心的等。

那些可有可无的东西，

又何必想太多。

是你的总会是你的，不是你的永远都不是。。。

人生要尽力就好。

happy

I am so super excited for her.

OOoooo.

but at least now i'm able to confirm that i'm thinking too much.

Can finally settle down and focus once again.

Do what i need to do, do what i have to do, do what i WANT to do.

so happy :)

Today simply feels great.

if only my holidays can be longer.

Need to start on my assignments already.

And not to mention tests and revision and what not.

But still...

I'm happy!

for myself and most impt for her.

:)

Brrr

Reading my entries since i started the blog last year.

I realise i've been harboring negative thoughts.

Bad ones, nasty ones, whatever shit that is.

been lashing out really quite a lot here,

been trashing out a lot here.

as i look back,

it all just seem so childish.

Makes me feel like a hypocrite to a certain extend.

yuck.

So disgusted with myself.

perhaps i should stop doing this and grow out of it.

gosh..

I don't want to turn into one big hypocrite.

I rather be a hippo even if that means my butt's gonna be blown out of proportion and my mouth's gonna be the same size as my rear.

Brrrr

tired

I'm suffering from exhaustion.

been feeling really tired and my brain's kinda fried.

Been stoning ever so often.

I need time to unwind.

To have some time for myself.

I think i need that.

To sort out certain things,thoughts, issues, whatever there is.

tired.