:(

Had a long day in school yesterday.

Talked to some people in school and felt.. kinda upset.

As i was just starting to put down the displeasures and stigma about school and environment,

to welcome school and enjoy myself.

I had to be reminded of the cruel truths of life.

How people commit acts of selfishness,

how people's personality changed as they gain a new title in front of their names.

and how the environment is towards the better people.

One classic quote that stuck me was : our environment is not one that favours the best. It's like the tallest tree is there to be chopped down. The best is to be unnoticed, keep a low profile, and not try to grow to be the taller trees. staying average is the way of survival.

this is so true. and i felt so disheartened.

As i listened more to others,

i realised that this place is so full of politics that even hearing them makes me so tired already.

I'm just shocked at how:

- people will throw away the exam case inlay of their enemies so that they'll stay back another 6 mths.

- how people can get so agitated and wanna hit the other with a chair just due to staff booking.

- how people can take other's instruments and use like their own without permission ( this happened to me). this is so common that somehow we're all so numbed to it already. it sounds horrific, but it's part of everyday life tat i dun feel anything other than irritation and exasperation.

But i'm quite saddened by the fact that:

- teaching method is a top-down approach and i feel so stupid and perhaps no more than an amoeba.

- how people can be nice to people with higher positions and treat us like this, i mean come on, we're going to graduate and be colleagues with everyone else, dont' they even realise that?

- how we are treated like junk sometimes when certain lifeforms of a much higher order than amoeba talks to us in disdain.

- how certain people are always waiting for a chance to catch us doing something we shouldn't do, when the rationale for doing so is good, like practising extra after certain hours. I mean if my student is that hardworking, i'll be so glad to close both my eyes and walk away instead of feeling proud and happy that i've caught someone.

- how we have to cater to people's mood swings and be nice to them, talk to them with respect as they talk to us as if we're so stupid and useless.

- how we need to withstand rude remarks from people whom we're told to be nice to, when in the first place, we did not offend them, when what we did wad either due to goodwill or simply because we didn't know about it at all.

- or how we need to play along and act all nice and happy when we're having a bad day, or even week and yet have to withstand other people's attitude simply because they had a bad day too? I mean, we didn't do it to them, what gives them the right to do it to us?

- how we need to put on a mask as we talk and deal with others because we cannot afford to get into trouble with other people, because whether we can finish on time and graduate depends so much on them? i hate the feeling of being so dependent on someone and having to be at other's mercy when that happens.

- how when we are taught, we aren't taught properly, but were often given less than satisfactory lectures by certain people and are expected to read up. and yet at the same time, they can keep saying that they understand how busy we are and so on? Don't they realise that they contradict themselves?

I'm starting to feel what i feel again.

and at the same time, lose my passion and drive to go on.

this is something which worries me.

But it's certainly a thought which pops up ever so often.

Just that i no longer have the thought of going on and moving on and proving them wrong.

Somehow.....

i feel so tired already.

Updates

I realise i tend to judge too quickly.

Hmmm.

not gd not gd.

Anyway, school's really a bit draining nowadays.

Feel quite sian to think about going to school everyday.

my only motivation is to complete my lab work.

Dun exactly like clinics that much and tat's not gd at all.

My mind is finally freed of a little space.

All i need to do now is to settle more things and free up more space.

And right now,

I know i have 3 upcoming tests.

But bad news is...

i've yet to start.

Being the FP rep is something that i'm starting to dread.

:(

congestion

Ups and downs for the past few days or even weeks.

Facing a lot of different situations, different people, in different settings.

Talked to different people about different things.

There's just so much going on right now.

For the good, for the bad, or for nothing at all.

Dreamt of different things,

flying, childhood days, the past.

Felt different emotions,

nostalgia, fear, happiness, contentment.

I don't know what is going on too.

I'm kinda messed up right now in my own mind.

Thinking about so many things, so many, so many.

Sometimes i find myself just not thinking about anything at all..

but my brain still feels very congested...

I hope this phase passes real soon.

I can't take this for too long.

School

If school hours are longer. Lesson hours are shorter.

Then i'll have enough time to:

1. Do my lab work which seems to be never ending.

2. Read my patients files

3. call my patients

4. plan my clinics timetable etc

5. Do my job as a FP rep even better.

6. Read up my lectures

7. Revise my lectures.

All these.

Seems impossible to do now with the amount of time we have.

I end up spending most time in lab.

Hai

Ignorance

I enjoy school,

but then again i don't.

I don't know what's wrong.

I really don't what my mood to be affected by what someone does.

Or somebody says.

I am still learning to be ignorant.

Sometimes i do it so well, i feel so dao.

Sometimes i just wanna do it,

cos i'm so tired i don't know what to say,

no energy to say anything.

Sometimes i just want to stop seeing,

sometimes i just want to stop hearing,

stop talking.

and then get a gd rest.

recharge myself, and start being ignorant again.

I realise,

sometimes ignorant is bliss.

Knowing may not be beneficial.

Knowing only makes you think deeper, think too much, think more than what you should.

So i've realised that the best way is to not think at all.

Focus on my own work.

Selfish? yes.

That's y i'm trying to find a balance to it.
:)

school

Nowadays,

i'm starting to enjoy school more.

Knowing some of my classmates better,

having more friends,

and having a few good friends.

Much better than last time.

And we're all so busy,

time just seem to fly past.

And it's the end of the day before you know it.

Then staying in lab to do work till 730.

School's like my home nw.

12 hours in school. Wide awake with adrenalin.

And at home,

i'm only awake for a few hours before i'm back in school again.

Usually in less than 12 hours time.

The stressful part is not lab.

it's clinics.

cos we're dealing with patients,

and profs,

and most importantly time.

It's so scary..

Just like a rollercoaster ride..

always gives me adrenalin rush.

Hopefully school remains as enjoyable as it is now.

hopefully....

I pray that i won't be super stressed up esp when i'm the FP rep now.

It's a bit too overwhelming sometimes, and i always end up spending my first lab session of the week settling things for the class.

Ended up wasting a lot of precious time.

When i'm home,

i'm so drained i can't think properly.

Let alone revise.

and somethings happened recently, so i was kinda distracted too, but i guess i thought too much, too deep, made it complex that's why.

Luckily, it's all over now.

I hope i can continue to love dentistry,

no matter how much stress i undergo,

no matter how unhappy i am,

with clinics, with staff, with lab, with just anything.

I hope i'll love it till the end, just like the beginning.

Let me not lose the goal.

I will make it.

I will give my 100% and demand 100% from myself too.

No less.

6 May 09

Today,

we finally did it.

I did injections for my lab partner,

and she did it for me.

gosh..

I was so scared, my hands were shivering.

But after that,

i felt kinda shiok.

But then again,

i don't think oral-maxillofacial surgery is my cup of tea.

Today,

nothing much happened,

peaceful and calm,

just the way i like it.

Despite certain setbacks,

i guess i'm may be ready to face it all afterall!

Congratulations to myself.

Good Job done today.

I'm so proud of myself.

Determination makes such a big difference.

Not going to act like a weakling anymore, not to you, not to him, not to her, not to anyone.

Most importantly, not to myself.

Embrace it all.

:)

It's a no

NO!!

hahaha.

It's good to be normal.

SO tired after these few days

yes or no

Yes?

No?

Make a decision.

Courage

Give us the courage,

to face what that may occur,

what that may not occur.

To face it when things happen,

to accept it when things don't turn out the way i hoped.

Courage to accept the truth,

the untruths,

the lies,

the reality,

To accept things the way they are,

and ways they aren't.

And most importantly,

accept people the way they are,

accept them for who they are,

be it good or bad.

Embrace life the way it presents itself to me.

The good, the bad,

Courage to embrace them all.

Swine flu

The entire world is talking about the swine flu.

To be honest, i am worried too.

Since yesterday, tables have been set up at the entrance of FOD, security guards wearing N95 were there to ensure that everyone takes their temp.

Staff donned in yellow overalls, gloves and N95 masks were stationed there, taking everyone's temp.

For us, we need to take temp too or else we cannot enter the clinic.

As the Alert level increased from yellow to orange,

more changes.

First, we have to CANCEL all our patient appointments on monday.

And all subsequent appointments are to KIV.

News were told that if we are having fever, we'll be quarantined in school,

which i'm not sure whether is it a good or bad thing.

Some of us feel that it could be a good thing, cos we'll most prob be able to stay later in lab to finish up our work.

I have no idea what to feel about this entire issue,

just that to be honest, i am worried.

worried that SARS will repeat itself again,

worried that i'm in a high risk area and thus may bring the virus hm, esp when my parents' aren't in good health most of the time.

hai.

And to think that it has to strike when we're having the recession.

I really feel for Obama...