Wednesday

my nasal voice is back and getting worse, well, it's not that i detest it, but it does makes me more sleepy than before. haha

Anyway, today went to buy 3 packs of strawberries from the science bazaar. Man, they're good lor. It's really fresh, in a bright red hue, and the appearance is almost flawless, without any signs of fungal infection or parts where they're starting to rot etc. Really a great buy. Hmm, too bad today is last day, if not i would have bought more again tomorrow. Really wanted to try the grapes. Initially wanted to buy 2 to support Zach and Qiyuan. Then i went back and bought 1 more cos they're really not bad.

I'm kinda starting to live a normal student's life since for this week and next, i will not be having anatomy. But this thing is, i'll only get to enjoy early days after next tues, that is after my anat test cos i really need to mug. Reached home at 1.30 today.

Shit man. went to sleep till about 7.

Guess i'm really tired.

I shall mug till 3.30 tonight to make up for it. Then tomorrow after lessons chiong to anat hall till 5 or something before i go home. Or maybe i shall attempt the library.

I'm really having no life. Somehow after talking to Nick today, i realise he's hmm. kinda impressed ( or amazed? whatever the word is) at how much drive i have at studying. He's not the first one to ask me whether i'm glad to be in dentistry. i told him that it was the thing for me la, and i just told him that sometimes i wonder how i get so much drive too. It scares me a little sometimes, but i guess when u're doing something u are really into, you just give all you have.

Compeition is no longer the thing pushing me forward to study anymore, it's more like an interest of mine and a goal of mine that is pushing me i guess. Cos i don't really give a darn thing about who wants my notes etc. I mean, i'll be happy to lend them to anyone, provided that they are sincere and truthful towards me. I know who these people are and i know who those insincere people are. It's the feeling they give you i suppose, and well, the look on their faces tells it all doesn't it? As long as they are really being truthful i am not against lending them my stuff.

But well, once in a while it does gets too much and it does gets on my nerves too when the reasons they do not attend lecture are really ............ i wouldn't want to support things which aren't right.

Aiyah, i guess we meet all sorts of people in the world, some good, some bad, some sincere, some just trying to check out what u're doing and aim to beat u. Whatever these people are, i heck la. Shall just do my own stuff.

Kinda happy that i'm having wax-ups tomorrow. U know what?!! The instructor praised me in front of my friend for being able to do a gd one and is those rare few who can do rather well!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!

Kinda amazed at why he said that.

But i don't deny that i felt happy within. Not that i am getting proud or complacent, but i mean such things just makes u more focused on your goals. Actually i can't believe it when i heard my friend say that too. I was like.. sure or not?! Don't bluff la. haha

A definite good morale booster after A levels and NJ where i always felt lousy etc no matter how hard i worked.

Yesh. i shall mug harder for anatomy now. shall read my notes and 1 book. if possible, i shall read Martini or snell too.

JIAYOU everybody!

Wassup

As expected, my group was chosen to be the 1st 4 to present. Come on, not really fair sia, but yes, at least it is over and done with. I won't say we did a good job, that is to my expectations. But generally almost everyone in the group worked really hard for it. But i suppose the lack of time to search for stuff and prepare for the presentation is the thing that we all lack.

But well, nothing else to do already. Life's never fair, just blame it on our luck i guess, to get such a sucky topic and be chosen to be the 1st to present. I mean, look, the other groups' topics are more direct and they have tons of info online or anywhere. But mine? " Amazing tooth", gosh, how vague can that be?

Heck. Over already.

Anyway, kinda feeling a little guilty, cos promised to help Qiyuan and Zach buy fruits from the science stall, but too lazy to walk there from the library. but well, i'm having lessons there tml and i shall make sure i buy from them. Why not right? Fruits are healthy and i'm helping my friends too!

Ok, met kenneth at the library just now. Haha. we are all muggers. Yes, and i shall mug more tml. Didn't really do as much as i would like to today. Not good at all.

I will mug tonight, i guess i'm really becoming a mugger. HARDCORE mugger that is. Quite sad, but nothing wrong with that. After this 4 years, i'll be FREE!!!

Kinda sad that i've not really had a life other than mugging and mugging and mugging, not to say working as well. but it's like each time i wanna give my self a break, i'll start feeling useless and lazy and etc just after 1 week.

No joke, i can't stay stagnant and not being a contributing member of the family or say society. I have no idea why. I just can't seem to slow myself down. It has become more like a habit of mine than anything else and it is not healthy nor good. To think about it, i only "sort of" rested for 1 month after A levels before i found a job and started working all the way till before SOW orientation and the rest is history la. Mugging non-stop and nothing else.

I'm weird, I'm a Guai Tai and i know it too. But i dunno why i'm like that. Isn't it a normal thing for people to be lazy?

I wanna be lazy too. I wanna slack and do nothing all day. But i guess, the grass is always greener on the other side. Whenever i'm busy, i wanna slack. But when i'm slacking, i hope i'm doing something productive.

I'm a guai tai. i don't deny. I agree too.

Don't worry, hanging around with me doesn't make u a guai tai.

Kinda starting to think whether in the future, i'll be able to find someone who is able to accept this aspect of me. Cos if not, i guess he'll feel very uptight all the time and stressed out. He won't be able to breathe at all. It wouldn't really be fair since i will always focus on work, which i foresee myself doing. But well, that is in the future, so heck la. Too early to talk about such things now.

Come on, i'm ONLY 19. not 29 or 39 or 49. But that doesn't mean i will still want to say this when i'm at that age. Lolz.

oh yes, i want to get my own apartment. It's just a fantasy, but i'll aim for that.

Build my little corner for the rainy days to come.

Yes, it is a fantasy. haha

Sick

I am really getting sick. Not emotionally, but physically.

Somehow my nose can't stop running. I got to use loads of toilet paper to stuff it up. Ocasionally i'll forget and this trickle of mucous will just slowly drip down. How gross.

My cough is still present. It is not helping that i cough my lungs out ever that often. A sore throat is slowly developing and this worries me.

My voice is getting lower and sexier? lolz. That is just occasional, but is manifests itself in the morning.

My head is throbbing and it feels heavy. Not the way u feel when u have a big brain, but the type where u feel that u're losing balance cos it's WAY too heavy for ur neck to support.

This is not good.

But still, heck la. Mugging for anat is more important and it is so not good that i am not being very productive. Kinda slack. Shall continue mugging till 3.30 tonight.

I think i'm being mean to myself. But i'll feel even worse if i don't do it. Lolz

Self torture is enjoyable sometimes. Hai, i'm getting a little sick emotionally now. Haha

Ok, shall return to mugging. Oh btw, i have a new found interest in F.I.R's songs. Have never really realised that their songs are so nice. haha

Do try listening to " San ge xin yuan" , " Yue ya wan" and " Ni hen ai ta".

Really nice. Shall buy their china imported cd to reward myself after anat next tues. Haha cheaper ma.

Yes. I'm a cheapo cheapskate. Lolz, you dare say you aren't? I don't believe.

Lolz. i'm fine.

Monday Morning!

I just managed to submit my group project just now, but yeah. it was hectic. Kinda glad that finally the first deadline is met and the work is handed in. Currently, in science canteen blogging? Kinda worried that i'll expose my blog cos well, not very safe. is all i can say. :)

Just read Jiaqi's blog. I guess maybe i really blog TOO much. I hope my rantings aren't bringing any inconvenience to other people. Cos i just need a avenue to unleash my unhappiness, joys and all the emotions that i have within. I know those are usually negative, but i just need a avenue for me to flush them out of me, cos i really don't want them to stay within me and influence me that much.

I don't really hope to have a lot of audience, but if there's someone who's glad to listen, i'll be thankful. Thanks Jiaqi, for wanting to be my audience.

I realy hope my blog will remain something only close friends can see. Anyone knows how to make it restricted? I guess i'll need that soon since, hmmm. it is getting more and more publicized that i have a blog.

Oh lala

This is so nice right? haha. Siew Han saw it online. That is so nice of her. haha i tink i'm starting to have a fetish for such things. Passion in career. haha. Ok, like what i always do, i shall come online and edit this post again in the event i got something to say. So, just read at the end of the day and see if i edited this post, if not by the rate at which i'm blogging, my blog will be flooded. haha.

Thanks Siew!

Today is so darn un-productive la. Been sleeping since 1 and just woke up at 5. I wonder what's wrong. I just can't focus and concentrate. Think tonight shall not sleep until 4 or 5 lor. Got to chiong my cariology and revise anatomy. Sian man.. What's wrong with me.

But anyway, yes. having sore throat again, running nose a little, cough is still present. But i'm well and running. somehow i wish i'm ill, then at least tues can pon school, since this week got no anat and tues only got cario which is only 1.5 hours. I'm so dreading Tues.

but heck next next week dun think got biochem and anat, which means i can finally lead a normal life, have fun and get a life. haha. yes. i shall work extra hard for Anat. since my physio and biochem not bad, shall work for anat and not waste the grades, thus i've decided that i shall try and get into Dean's list for year one, so at least in my 4 years i got once ma.. haha. But don't get in also nvm la. Can do well i happy enough. Dean's list is just a bonus. Get in or not shouldn't and doesn't matter that much. But i shall try my luck la, bring glory to my line.

shall mug anat le. shall update and edit this post again later. lolz

I need a break from anat, i need help for anat, so many things to study and understand as well as the applications. I need help for cario, the project is so unproductive and i totally disagree with this teaching method of his cos he's not teaching anything at all.

Distance

Distance is a beautiful thing.

It makes things ambiguous, it makes people feel comfortable to be within their own comfort zone. One that normal people wouldn't be able to enter.

Distance makes people wonder. Makes people think and imagine. It makes people want to have more.

But the very thing about distance is, the more you want it, the further it gets.

And the further it gets, the more beautiful it becomes.

What an irony that is.

It is beautiful when things aren't clear, but when things become clearer, it becomes something which can be agonising.

The difference in time, the difference in circumstances, the difference in attitudes, the difference in perspective and difference in feelings are all parameters of it.

It is happening all the time.

Though undesirable at times, when distance really ceases to exist, i suppose things will really change. For you, for me, for everyone living.

There are so many things beautiful in life, but i guess, roses always comes with thorns. It'll never be a rose without its thorns. Maybe that's what that makes it so special, so unique.

Things in life always happen as an irony.

Perhaps, that's what makes life interesting in some ways.

National Junior College

I miss my days back there.

It's tough. It's hectic. It's competitive. It's stressful.

But i enjoyed myself so much there.

I had so much fun there.

I did so many silly things there.

I met so many people there.

I had so much wonderful memories there.

Life was tough then, but it made me learn.

It made me cherish.

It made me understand.

It made me appreciate.

I learn to see things with my heart there.

I grew a lot there, more than anywhere else.

I miss NJ.

I miss the people and the times we've had.

I miss the good old days.

I miss everthing i have had there.

I want to go back, even if it means taking A levels again and again.

I want to return.

:)

Met up with Kai Siang and Siew for korean food just now. It was soooo enjoyable and we went for 2 rounds of dessert, while chatting non-stop and laughing like 3 freaks. Haha

But yeah, i do miss the days in NJ where we use to crap and chat. Somehow, i miss my friends in NJ, how we use to laugh in class, have fun, crap and support each other as we face the scary A levels.

The dinner was great and we talked and laugh a lot. Expectedly, the question on what type of guys i like popped out again. Haha.. And we kinda bitched a lot just now. Somehow bitching with them really makes me so happy and really.. I believe that friends do have the power of bringing your frustations, unhappiness and worries again. They don't know it, but they have the ability to do it just unknowingly.

Oh yes, and i was so darn happy when both of them said i become prettier. Well, that i don't know la, but to hear it from other pp. Super duper ultra SHIOK ah. hahahaha. Come on, just let me be a narcist sometimes, since given the sad fact that nobody has told me things like that truthfully before. Yes, that is sad. I think so too.. Hahahahaa.. get my hint? Do praise me more often. I'm a sucker for such things. hahahaha.. jkjk

And talking to them made me realise, Oh no, I'm quite hao fang, as in, very ungirly. i'm so buddy buddy with people ah, could i have given others the wrong signals, msg etc? Haha, was kinda worried that because i'm so buddy buddy with people, could i have given the wrong idea to people sometimes? Oh no.. But to think about it, i don't think there will be people who'll misunderstand ba. Even if they do, i don't think i'm fast enough to pick those signals up. Too dense sometimes to even realise, cos i would rather not think so much. Thinking too much brings more trouble, more problems.

But still, i think i need to retain some distance to prevent misleading others. But i dun think i should worry la, i have 0 % ability to generate signals in others. Haha. Yeah. Heck, i'm just like that. lolz

Well, i really believe that some friends are there for life, and i'm glad i have found loads of them already. It makes me contented that there will always be people around when i need them. I wonder what i can do for them, but to me, what they've done so far is more than i can ask for already. thanks a lot peeps. :)

Btw, Kai Siang ah, i can tell u're kinda not over that issue of yours yet. Don't worry.
Sometimes, things may not turn out the way you want it to be, but that may be what life has in mind for you, to make you even clearer of what you want and to prepare you for a even better one coming along yourway.
I know it's hard to get over it that easily, it takes time and i really hope you'll be better again.
I'm sure yours will come soon, believe in yourself ya? Jia you

Cheers.

Thanks everybody.

I'm sorry

Just talked to ashley over the phone. Something he said reminded me of something important.

I guess i'm being tooo open on my blog, and it's easy to trace just by searching. Sooner or later it'll get me into trouble.

Hai, how sad. Freedom of speech doesn't exist at all.

I shall limit what i say here from now on. I wonder if i can do that.

But thanks for the reminder Ash. I remember that i've neglected my diary for long. Time to turn to it already. Maybe i won't blog as much already. Perhaps, just superficial stuff.

That's the furthest i shall go on from now. Nothing else.

No more rantings, no more of anything else i guess, unless i forget.

Don't blame me, i'm just executing some form of self protection.

The world's a scary place.

Btw, Hope you're feeling better Siew. I know you can do it one. U are much more capable that you even know it yourself.

Jia You!

P.S: found out aravin actually reads my blog. Aravin! read my blog still nv tag ah.. u good.... Stalk me sia. Haha

My Paulgoldin test once more. Certain parts do repeat themselves. Hmmm. Why??

You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.

You are a leader and possibly at this tine in a position of authority, but you are experiencing problems. You are not quite sure how to handle the present situation.

Conditions are rather confusing at this time. You would like to involved with a particular person or a particular situation but you are holding back. You find it difficult to make a decision.
Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don't want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something - something that's precious, something that could be the 'Real Thing'. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don't know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don't care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

I believe. or do i not ??

Beauty

Somehow, listening to some songs evokes memories forgotten, memories that one doesn't want to remember, but images just starts flashing back.

Have you ever felt that way before?

It's weird how our mind is linked to our body. The senses picks up the stimulus, which is the song, and the brain starts to produce images which are bits and pieces of the past which has been hidden and purposely kept secluded in one corner of the mind.

Somehow, it generates feelings and emotions and you start feeling sensations, feeling exactly the same way you felt back then when you first heard the song.

How beautiful is that, the way our body works in synchrony, how the body is able to help you find and experience the feelings forgotten by simply picking up stimulus from a song.

How beautiful, how wonderful.

But for feelings, memories that you'll never want to experience or remember again, it's so terrible, so agonising.

What an irony, what an agony.

The power of the senses, the memories, the mind and the synchrony of everything.

How beautiful.

OH MY GRACIOUS??!!!!

I just got back my biochem results.

It was unbelievable and it stunned me beyond words. I studied hard for it, i really did, and i made sure i studied even harder so because i had tuition back then. I was an open mugger, and i mugged openly. I mugged day and night, even skipping lunch to do so. And i am shocked at my results.

I've got 93, top of the class. Can't believe my own eyes. I know i'll do well, but NOT this well. I never expect to do so well, cos i'm jolly well aware that there are tons of smarter classmates around, as well as the closet muggers. I know i worked hard, but it was just beyond my expectations.

Not trying to be sarcastic or humble, but yes, after sec 2, i've never ever gotten such marks again. And i can show you my JC results, the highest i ever got was that one and only A back in J1 for math and the rest were all Cs, Ds, Es and Os. I guess it's when you start to be disillusioned when something jolts you back again. I wonder if this is a result of luck or what.

Oh my.. I'm so happy.

In one way, i was happy, but in the other, i didn't know how to react. I was unsure of how to react when people come congratulating me. I can't help but wonder what the rest are thinking. I am definitely sure that my image as a mugger is further strengthened. But i'm not sure if any of them starts to treat me as a target or anything instead. IF that's the case it'll be bad, cos this kinda feeling makes you feel that people aren't truthful to you. But well, heck, i know there are still loads of sincere people around and i hang out with them.

Maybe there will be people who thinks that all i want is to mug and out score the rest. But i can assure you that was not in my mind. i'm sure there will be people who are skeptical to see this, but the moment i came in, all i wanted was to do well not for anyone, but for myself.

There's no point in mugging just to out beat them, cos ultimately, i'll just be stressing myself unneccessarily ad it's not healthy.

I guess i mug so hard was because i jolly well know how precious this chance to be in dentistry is. I know i was lucky to get in because someone withdrew and i told myself i'll never be that lucky again. That was the best thing that happened and it won't happen a 2nd time. i know it, somehow gd things don't come twice. That's why i worked hard, i know how it feels to lose it. I don't want to lose it a 2nd time.

I know there'll be people who thinks otherwise and don't believe what i say. It doesn't matter, those who knows me, those who saw it, i guess they'll understand. I don't have to explain to everyone or anyone.

I know i have people who i hold dear to me, they know it too. I'm satisfied with having them in my life, the rest who doubts me, it doesn't matter if they believe in me, cos i know there are people who does and i cherish them.

Anyway, i'm super happy about my results. YEAH!!!! ok shall really start on anat mugging

JIA YOU!!!

Hopefully it'll be good news next time round too. :)

Rantings once more but definitely not a fireball

(In case you are wondering, fireball is the way i describe issues that pisses me off in this blog.)

It always happen, i don't know why, but sometimes i just find solace in mugging cos it brings my mind off certain things in life. It happens when i know i am disappointed, upset of unhappy about some aspects of my life and all i wanna do is to mug my brains out, get all tired over, hoping that after sleeping all frustrations just goes away.

I guess what i lack now is a little spice in life, a little more happiness, a little more laughter, a little more understanding in life.

It does upsets me when people take my words at face value without thinking deeper into it, or just assume what they think i am feeling when they don't know it at all. I think many have misunderstood me, maybe it's the impression i give, but i just hope they stop assuming things and put the emotions they think i am feeling onto me. It's just not fair right? How can they assume how i feel when they don't even get things clear in the first place? They are just imposing what they think i should feel onto me, which is so darn unfair, but well, nothing is fair in the world. I realised.

Things have changed, times have changed, people change too. But i wonder why some people are just stuck at the stereotype they have of other people when the world has moved on? It seems more likely that it is their own mindset that needs some adjustments.

But seriously, i think i'm so used to it that i'm sick of clarifying myself everytime. It is to the extend where i just let things be since i can't be bothered anymore, I've really taken a back seat in life in terms of such things, people think all they want, misunderstand me all they want. I may be well informed of these misunderstandings etc, but somehow, i just can't be bothered, It's not that i'm pissed, sad or what ever, but it has gotten to a point where i realise i shan't waste my time on people who assumes they know me when all they know is to take my words at face value without thinking more in depth about certain issues and the way i react. Sometimes people don't even give some thought and assumes things without even clarifying it in the first place and kick up a stupid big fuss over it. It's not that i feel upset or what, it's just that i give up trying to convince people when in the first place, the problem lies in the very assumptions they have and the stereotype/ impression that they have imprinted in their minds. But well, i suppose that is what is happening around the world in general isn't it? I mean, just look at causes of terrorism. To us, they are terrorists, but to them, we may have been the terrorist in their lives for don't know how long. Not that i support terrorism, so don't quote me on that.

Heck, i just can't really be bothered, let them think and say what they want, i just be myself. Follow the path my mum took, take my own stand and not lean against any wall just because everyone is doing the same thing. That's my dignity in life, believe what i believe in. Maybe that seems stubborn, but well, i think i should at least have the courage to face myself and live the way i want, not live the way other people would prefer, not lead my life the way which others think it should be. I don't want to live my life trying to please people all the time and losing myself along the way cos ultimately, i'm not being truthful to myself. That is just being a hypocrite and trying to be someone whom i know i'm not.

I guess when i can't be bothered, i REALLY can't be bothered anymore. They think what they want, i do what i want as long as it doesn't bring any inconvenience, heck whether they like it or not. The way i do things or respond to issues may not be what they think is appropriate, but i mean, if it doesn't affect them at all, i don't think they have the right to interfere.

I'm getting rebellious all over again. I don't know whether that is considered cool or not, but i know i'm not a cool person. I just stick to what i believe and do what i think is right as long as it doesn't harm other people. Well, it may not be something very pleasing sometimes, but i do things with a intention in mind, and i make sure that intention, if it includes other people, is a good one, even if the result may be otherwise due to other considerations.

If only we all give more thought to things and issues in life, there will definitely be less misunderstandings and conflicts.

Shall return to mugging. At least it makes me happier. Imagine a happy mugger, oh my gosh. What joys do i have in mind man?

Such things, i've noticed, happens all over the world everyday.

My Paulgoldin test again. Often changing but ever so true.

You are trying to establish yourself and make an impact despite the fact that everything around you seems to be against you - putting up barriers, but don't be unduly concerned: you have the right ideas and come what may, they will soon be manifested and appreciated.
You are an emotional and sensitive person. You are inclined to delight and wallow in all things that give pleasure to your senses but nevertheless your tastes are refined and you reject anything that is indecent or vulgar.

Circumstances are holding you back, forcing you to back off and to forgo all the pleasures, fun and games for the time being. But this is only a temporary situation and before you even know it the situation could change.

Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don't want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something - something that's precious, something that could be the 'Real Thing'. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don't know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don't care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.

You are presently worried about your future and you feel that whatever you do will go wrong. At this time you are your own worst enemy. All the disappointment that you have experienced, coupled with the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals, have led to anxiety. You would like recognition and a position of trust but you are concerned that these hopes and dreams may not be realised. You are very argumentative and insistent that you are right - maybe you are - but you are pushing too hard. Take it easy, let go, and smile. Smiling and agreeing with people works wonders - try it and see.

Looking back?

I'm so tired i slept for so long and i felt that i kinda wasted time. sian. i need to mug through the night now. SOmehow my days are just getting more and more routine. And i guess i need to make a change to it.

I know my life can be a little brighter, a little more happening etc. But with that amount of time and work, it's impossible.

I know i shouldn't complain. Complaining has kinda set itself into my life, It's not that i don't appreciate, but i realise i appreciate less than what i complain about. This is not good.

I know my days are long and tiring, i suppose the good thing about it is that amidst all the hectic schedule etc, i am still able to remain focus on my goal, on my dream. I'm amazed at how focus i still am and how determined i am when people around me are starting to say that they've regretted getting into dentistry.

Each time i hear that, i just ask myself whether i feel the same too, and i am simply contented that my answer is always a definite No. I know if everything were to start again and i were to be given the choice again, i would have done it even if i have known how tough it may be. I would have still made the same decision. I have never looked back since that friday afternoon when i said yes. I know even if dentistry is to be 10 times harder than it is now, i will still have made that choice.

Maybe that is why when people ask me why a dentist i am always unable to give a definite answer, cos i suppose when you want something so much, there is no reason available. You just want it unconditionally.

Maybe i'm so focused on it because i wasn't given the chance in the first place and i know how bad it feels.

No matter what,, i've never regretted and will never look back after that friday when i agreed to sign my 8 years off.

If only i can be just as focused on other things in life too. i wonder if i will have the same courage to face them the way i face dentistry.

I'm slow when i wake up

Fatigue is when you wake up after a nap, taking a longer time than usual to find out what's going on in life. It happens when i wake up wondering which day and what time is it.

It's happening again. Not a good sign. Anyway, i need to learn to say no. Not really fair to me that i'm always fervently paying attention in class and copying stuff while the others just come and borrow my notes to zap or wadever because

1) They are not paying attention
2) They dun bother
3) They skipped lessons
4) They are just slower

I dun mind helping if they're slower, but when people borrow my notes so often, almost happening everyweek to me, i wonder if it's really fair to me, wonder if it's getting overboard.
I need to learn to say no, but i need to learn to keep words to myself too. Sometimes saying what i feel, what i think, although for a good cause may not be what others want. Sometimes, being nice is not a good thing afterall, people take you for granted and well, do they really appreciate? But still, telling them to be more independent or some other thing for their own good may not be a good thing afterall..Haha.

Shall be more nasty then. Somebody please teach me how to say no. This whole bloody shit is really getting on my nerves, together with so many other things. I need more time to mug.

Heck. i just woke up. Brains not really processing well and fast to know what's going on really and what i'm saying, not focusing on 1 topic to talk about anymore....

I hate this. Need to upgrade my RAM already. If not it's taking a really long time to start up each time i nap. Not good.

I'm slow when i wake up.

The irony of life

Sometimes when life gives you something, it takes away something from you too. And just as you're about to forget what u've lost, when u're just starting to get over it, life has a weird way of letting that thing appear again, reminding you of what was taken away from you.

Sometimes when you thought things are finally going the way you want them to be, when you thought things are just going to change for the better, just when u've seem to forget what was painful and what you long for. The very thing you want so much appears right before your eyes, just to disappear again in the next split second.

Why? I've always wondered.

Are wishes really granted? Are prayers really answered?

How can one learn to let go when the things all around keeps reminding you of things u'll never want to see, nv want to hear, nv want to feel again?

Life's a puzzling thing. i guess the only time when you've really gotten over something is when you suddenly remember it, cos that's when u're really forgotten about it.

Maybe that's how life wants us to really forget everything that has happened, simply by forcing us to harden our hearts and not hold any hopes each time we see what we long to have, but will never have. That's tough training, to make you face what u fear and make sure u overcome it, the cold hard way.

-------------------------------------

Well, ignore the ramblings. Something happy to share, that is.. my physio CA1, i got 80% !!! yeah, although it may not be as good as compared to the few who got like 80 plus percen to 90 plus percent, i'm happy enough to obtain this grade la. Kinda really studied for it. I guess u'll just feel so darn happy upon getting marks higher than 60 after JC, cos it's so difficult to even pass sometimes, that's for NJ la. My only A and B back then was in J1 lor, the rest were like super CUI lor, either DDEE, or EEFF, or DEEE etc etc. So demoralising. But then, this was a MCQ test la, so hmm.. maybe i was lucky afterall too? Who knows.

Ok, shall return to my exercise. i'm always exercising my brain. How i wish exercising the brain burns as much fats as swimming 10 laps, cos if that's the case, i'll be skeleton already.

Anat test is coming, sia lah..

Pneumonia and karma

Things aren't helping in the fact that i'm trying so hard to mug and yet i'm coughing incessantly to the extend that i'm having very very minor nose bleeding. Sian la. Wonder how many of my pseudostratified ciliated columnar epithelial cells have died.

There is no phlegm or anything and i have no idea why it is getting so bad. Kinda reminds me of the cough that Qiyuan had the other time. Kinda regretted and is feeling a bit guilty of suaning him that he has pneumonia since now i know how it feels.

It must be karma now that i'm down with the disease. Karma does exist afterall. But still, i'm hoping that my coughing will help me train up my abs since my muscles are contracting each time i cough. If it can be considered as a work out, i wouldn't really mind coughing then. Lolz.
Talk about vanity.

I shall be nicer. haha.

I jsut coughed my lungs out, guess i'll have to ingest them back. Lolz.

ARGH!!!!!!!! I WANT MY HAIR BACK!!

Well, the title says it all..

ARGH!! kinda hoping that pulling my hair makes it grow long faster. Maybe i shall try. Or should i apply liquor on my scalp? heard that it makes hair grow, maybe it'll make mine grow long faster.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAN MY HAIR BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kinda really can't take it anymore, that's why i posted again. This just re-iterates the fact that the blog is a good place to vent frustrations as well as to do some incessant ranting and complaining.

I want to scream again.

AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes i do feel better now.

Disastrous

I just went for my hair cut, hmmm. initially wanted to cut my old hair style, but decided to be a little diff. Guess wad, ended up with shitty hairstyle. My fringe at the sides are kinda CHOPPED off with their length not equal at all, although i told her that it is not equal in length. my hair is so TOTALLY unlike what i've had in mind. This is really shitty. but heck la, as long as it grows back can already la. I'm just as confident with short hair. Haha

After that, asked my maid to help me trim the longer side by A LITTLE, and guess what. she CHOPPED of the other side by 2 cm, so the longer side is now shorter, so got to trim the other side. OMG!!! there goes my beloved fringes as the side.

Now, i'm starting to regret cutting my hair and letting untrained hands trim my hair. But nvm la, overall, my hair still looks the same according to some people. it better grow faster soon so i can cut some DESIRABLE and HIP hairstyle but BETTER TRAINED people.

Well, my weekend is just burned away sleeping and going out. I hate myself for that man, seriously i'm not mugging enough since tests and exams are so darn near, esp anat. I will sleep less this week. i SWEAR man... to make up for the lost time. Just kinda hoping that some people will stop sticking to me and wasting my time compromising them simply because they don't have a mind of their own, whose mind is still stuck at the age of 13 and is unable to make their own decisions. In all words, i just hope they stop wasting my time and making me their nanny la. Irritating when it gets too overboard.

I guess my tolerance level is super darn low, esp when i mention the word darn the third time for now. Alright, shall return to mugging. Not really sleeping tonight since tomorrow only got physio lecture and operative dentistry which is just practical.

I want my old hair back.. If only my hair grows like 3 foot per month, then i can experiment loads of hair style with it. haha. I want some cool and hip bangs leh, not this type of " haircut gone wrong" hairstyle. haha. nvm, i shall be narcissistic and tell myself i look good in just anything. Being a narcist helps sometimes i guess.

I have a funny family.

Well, went out to buy bunsen burner for my wax-ups just now and my cousin told me something super funny.

Apparently, this cousin of mine saw my dad and cos i always hang out with my cousins, he asked them: " Kuan Yee got boyfriend or not?". That shocked my cousin and she went to tell this cousin of mine too. Alamak, i just can't stop laughing. It's so super funny when i'm only 19 and my dad is starting to worry that i'm still not attached. OH MY GOSH, he's more anxious than me can??!!! Hahahahahhahahahahaa...

I've decided, if he still continues to ask, i shall shock him by bluffing him that i like girls. LOLZ, imagine his reaction man, that'll really scare the daylights out of him. Quite ironic huh? My mum is totally not concerned about whether i'm attached whereas my Dad is the one always asking me if there're any cute guys in sch whether there's someone i like, whether got pp like me etc.

Haha, talk about being an gan jiong spider. But still, i dun blame him or anything la, i guess it's because i've been staying in school really late etc that he seldom talks to me or even see me at all. It's so bad that sometimes i don't even talk to them for days because i come home so late that they're sleeping already or that i'm just too drained to even open my mouth to talk. Either that, or i'm just too busy mugging or catching up with sleep. SO, i guess he doesn't really know what's going on in my life afterall, which is rather sad. I would want to talk to them more, who doesn't man, when my parents are so SUPER CUTE!!

I guess i'm acting more like a very cool "son" and not a daughter, cos daughters are supposed to talk a lot and pester/nian their parents, i'm just sooo not girly. hahah. i'm more manly than girly lor.

Yes, i shall make it a point to come home earlier. hahah.

I love my parents loads man. cos they're simply so cute and irresistable. Yes and i shall cut my hair tomorrow. :)

Officially a MAN!

I am officially a man now. All because of my cough, now my voice is hoarse and manly. It went an octave lower and now i can't even regconise my own voice. Jia lat, wanted to mug yesterday, but end up didn't. I shall mug a lot today and that means that i will need to exert loads of self discipline. It's raining rather badly now and i can't go sch to mug.

So, i guess i will just stay at home. But.. i will not touch my bed or my com anymore, cos i know these 2 things are toxic and the moment i touch them i won't be able to study anymore. I shall jiayou. YEAH!!

Guess i'll go for a hair cut later today evening or tml bah. I need one seriously. That turf of grass needs some trimming before a forest fire starts on my head soon. It just seem like a bale of hay lor. Lucky i never kena hay fever. hahah

I need coffee. i'm a coffee addict. No coffee makes me sick.

Alright, enough of my faithful blogging, been neglecting my diary for sometime. I shall go mug le.

Shall attempt to complete physio renal, physio respiratory and the tutorial, Biochem 7 lectures of genetics and tutorial, Anatomy which has like got 7 HUGE chapters, then maybe read about enamel and revise morphology.

I shall do it. shall chiong today and tml as well as my sat and sun night off mugging. I've sin enough since thurs night. Shan't let this carry on any further.

JIA YOU!!!

I'm a sinner

Gosh i can't believe myself. i actually went shopping and bought a hell lot of things, dress, shoes and pants. Broke now ah.. feeling damn sinful now. the ATM card is not a good invention afterall and so is the internet. NOw, i'm less focused than before. Guess i have to be more self disciplined. Sia la.. kinda regret doing all these.

All right, i shall do full force mugging now. And yes, buying shoes is not so bad afterall since my mom likes them too and is wearing them. haha.

Right, mugging now. Here's a photo of my dress

Once again

Jia lat lah, i just woke up leh after sleeping at 9 plus last night. Didn't get to do anything or read anything at all. This is just getting so unproductive. I intended to sleep till 2 then wake up and mug, but end up sleep all the way. Sian, no self discipline, that's y this kinda things always happen to me.

So it means tonight got a lot of stuff to chiong already. Sian la.. And i haven study for Anat yet, which is really bad, cos the test is coming. But to think about it, i really dunno how to study for anat. Cos other than studying the names, i can't think of anything else. How? I need help.

Well, i'm finally proud to announce that i am losing my voice. The cough is bad, cos it just harms my pseudo stratified cilliated columna epithelial cells and this is so so so not good at all. It's just a "dry" cough and my voice is so hoarse now. but i like it. shows the manly side of me. hahahhaha

Alright, shall mug a bit before going school at 10. :)

I shall sleep at 4 tonight.

Back

Went to did it again and results simply differ each day. Here's for today.

You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realise that whatever the situation may be a this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.

You dislike playing the field in every sense of the word. When you develop a relationship it needs to be a close fulfilling one, one that has deep meaning for all parties concerned.
Your involvements seldom measure up to your high emotional expectations and your 'needs' to be 'loved' and 'cared for' have in the past often led to extreme disappointment. But a change is in the wind - make a firm decision to start anew. Just 'think' it..and it will happen.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety and you are distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationships. You feel you are not appreciated by those who matter to you. You are attempting to escape into a world on which you can relax and feel at ease.You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realise that whatever the situation may be a this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.

You dislike playing the field in every sense of the word. When you develop a relationship it needs to be a close fulfilling one, one that has deep meaning for all parties concerned.
Your involvements seldom measure up to your high emotional expectations and your 'needs' to be 'loved' and 'cared for' have in the past often led to extreme disappointment. But a change is in the wind - make a firm decision to start anew. Just 'think' it..and it will happen.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety and you are distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationships. You feel you are not appreciated by those who matter to you. You are attempting to escape into a world on which you can relax and feel at ease.

Seems like the inner me lacks something and is fearful of being in a relationship. Well, i'm not surprised at all. Perhaps i really am, but i am not doing anything about it, cos this kinda things, the more u want, the more it slips away from you. It'll be urs if it's meant to be.

Came back from holland V, hai, dun have my shoe size. And but it was funny, cos as usual, siew and i were gossiping and once again, the " speak of the devil" syndrome has occurred. It ALWAYS happens to us that the person we're talking about will just suddenly pop out. Talk about karma. Had a good time eating bread at this nice nice place and went to do some aunty activities, which is to tour the super market. somehow that is just our common hobby. haha.

I realise my social circle is super small. I need to expand it. but i am just not really bothered about doing anything about it.

Yay!!

I have finally uploaded my cario assignment for this week and i feel so immensly satisfied. Oh come on, imagine chionging it for so many nights and sleeping at around 2-4 plus late at night, skipping meals to chiong it. It's worth it and i am so so so proud of my group mates.

Things are really getting so much better. i am kinda enjoying my time at dentistry now, just that the tests still bugs me a lot. and we have tests ever so often. Right now, i'm outside LT27 mugging anat cos i have a test coming up and iam waiting for siew to go holland V to buy my crocs.. Been wanting to buy since may, but just not willing to spend the money, but well, i guess if i'm having lab so many times a week and walking around that much, i should get one pair since it's super comfy and is going to be durable.

Wonder how CSI has been, didn't have any OG outings for a long time already. How i wish i can go back to SOW for orientation camp again cos it's so super fun and there is practically nothing bugging us, like what tutorials, assignments or tests to do etc.

I hope i dun spend too much money later. i need gd food, gd rest, gd shopping and also plenty of time. hahahhaa

Right i need to mug anat now.

Muggerish instincts

Somehow, i guess i am really a mugger. i am so enjoying my cariology project though it is really taking up a lot of my time, but i just enjoy doing it. I hope what my group have done so far is correct lor, cos if Prof Hsu decides that it is trash, i'll just die on the spot cos i spend a hell lot of effort doing it. My team mates too.

Now i'm worrying for my anatomy, think i will chiong anat over the weekends, but then, i still got ppt to do which is simply SHIT!!! cos it's a hell lot lor. And biochem got so many doubts, morpho need to read and do the note book. Oral bio is chimilogy and need to read. The worse thing is, my OD is still at my 1st cavity prep when the others are starting on their 3rd one already. i need to chiong my OD next monday. must at least do 2, if not cannot keep up.. OMG OMG!!!!

Aiyah, feeling hungry now, how i wish got mee goreng to eat. haha. Yeah i'm happy though i'm trying to lock the past behind. It's a beautiful shadow la, but, i got to move on. :D

Right, study anat now that i've just completed most of the cario. :)

Went to do the test again and here's a totally different result,

You are a very emotional and sensitive individual. Your life and love of life is dominated by your emotions - you have great feeling towards your fellow man and you are always full of enthusiasm but be careful, you tend to let your heart rule your head and this being so, you could be easily hurt - as perhaps you may have indeed been hurt in the past.

In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

We are all conditioned by our environment and as such we respond to people's perception of ourselves, but you feel that conditions are not right at this time. You are experiencing certain reservations that are precluding you to develop a particular relationship, business or personal, that is being offered. It is 'make your mind up time' - the decision is all yours, but whatever decision you make, it will be the right one.

You are very restless and inclined to be depressed - and try as you may you feel that you are unable to control the situation in which you now find yourself. You refuse point blank to relinquish control of your feelings and to place yourself in other people's hands. It would appear that there is a condition or a relationship on the horizon which you feel could cause you further unwarranted aggravation and stress. This is the last thing you need at this time. There must be more to life than the present situation. You are not quite sure what you are looking for and so you tend to be impatient and irritable until what you seek presents itself to you. You need to get away from this unsatisfactory state of mind, especially now, as you find that your powers of concentration are suffering.

There is an inherent fear that you may be prevented from achieving the things you want. This activates your subconscious desire for peace of mind and mental security. It is increasingly obvious to you that the environment that you are in is not conducive to your well-being and so you are seeking fresh fields - somewhere free of conflict where you can RELAX and THINK.

Yeah.

I am finally back!! Mood and emotions are going uphill, which is a good thing. And i am working hard and mugging hard.

i hope this situation continues throughout my 4 years and i shall work hard to get my BDS. Well, had a gd breakfast today and i should say that science fac Lor Mee is GOOD!!! haha, shall attempt to haf a heavy breakfast every morning, so after that can skip lunch and then eat dinner, cos lunch time queue is so long and so troublesome cos it takes up too long to get food. Anyway, am happy again. Yeah!!!

Jia You!

Mugger's aura

I am still mugging now. It's making me feel great cos i'mbeing productive. Hopefully by tml i am still as awake. the only thing is, my throat feels itchy and i keep coughing. Not a good sign.
I shall mug in school till 9.30 tml, if not cannot finish the stuff. Just hope i can still be as awake for lessons tml. Coffee shall be my gd frien. It's going to be a hectic 3 weeks, with cario project and anatomy coming up. But still, after that will be dental morphology test as well as handing in of the graded notebook. Sia la. must keep chionging. hope i dun burn out.

Haha in 6 hours time, i'll be seeing siew han for our weekly breakfast date. LOR MEE!! Here i come man.
Ok slack enough le, shall return to doing cario project. I miss my bed.

:)

The days are getting better and better and i'm glad that i'm finding myself again. Dentistry is getting more and more enjoyable. I guess letting go sometimes is better then anything else in the world. Hanging on only prolongs the agony isn't it?

I'll never be able to go back again, but i'm glad it happened. Glad that it took place, though things aren't the same, i'm contented that i was part of it and it occurred once in my life.
I'm getting over it.

Thanks for being a part.

Reminders i got from Ash's blog.

1. In all things you pursue, sacrifices must be made.

2.Weighing the pros and cons should be done before taking any path, hanging on the fence once you've chosen your path affects your performance adversely.

3. Do your best in all you do, the chance is available there and then. Utilise opportunities.

4. Never regret anything that made you smile.

5. Goals are important but pale in significance compared to the friends around you.

6. Keep moving forward. (from meet the robinsons)

7. There are always 2 sides of a coin, a myopic perspective leads to a negative attitude and bad will

8. What is important isn't where you are, but what you are doing at where you are at.

Realised these are the things that i've forgotten to remind myself of for the past 2 months. i shall work harder and come back soon.

I am coming back. :D And yeah, i have never regretted and will never regret choosing Dentistry. Never will i regret.

I will be back

Somehow, i feel much better now. much better than a few weeks ago. Things are starting to improve and i've got to know some people much better now. Yeah. i should stay happy and healthy. Past is past, i shall try and let it be, though i'm not over it yet.

But yeah, i'm feeling so much better now. Maybe it has been my mindset all these while, how i've been geared up to protect myself from the drastic changes all around me.

Suddenly, my vision is starting to clear again. And i'm starting to understand what it means by " the only thing constant in life is change"

As a final note, i shall mug even harder this week and next week. mugging makes me happy and takes my mind off stuff that i don't wanna think about. Yes, i am escaping from it. Just take it that i don't have the courage to face it yet. Well, i don't think i ever will when it comes to certain things.

But yes, i will be happy. :)

The crazy Kuanny is coming back, so it's time for u to protect urself and get ready for a roller coaster ride. I will be back. Real soon, just give me a little more time.

My weekend's gone just like that

Sia lah.. my weekend is burned off just like that. can u imagine? it's like.... sad. But heck la, i shall do as much as i can.

Oh yeah, i bought a new printer! it's black and stylish but yeah, it is noisy, but heck it just has to work well for me and i am happy enough. The ink is rather cheap and quality is alright la. cost is cheap too so i'm fine with it. Just don't spoil can le. haha it's epson la, so shouldn't be that bad i guess.

Went with my cousins to eat this famous laksa too. it's super nice and also bought new pair of shoes. I realised i have soo many things to buy cos i've been so deprived of shopping. The first thing i did was to settle all the necessary things that i need for school etc. And next comes the office clothes. That is the sucky part cos somehow, i don't have the shopping mood already.

What's wrong man?? I can't even be bothered to try the clothes on or look at them even. I'm sick.

Haha. alright, shall go back to chionging my studies and tutorials. I shall do a successful cavity prep on oscar tml. In case u are wondering who oscar is, he is my bao bei at FOD, cos i'll do all my practices on him. i'll include a picture of him too. :)

Oops i did it again.. haha

Right, i did the test again, i suppose it really depends on your mood day to day. Here's the results for me TODAY. It's long, so ya, happy reading if u bother. Somehow i find it so true for me for that part which says that i want to do my own thing and decides what is best for myself. It is so so so true for my current situation on dentistry regarding certain matters. SO true.

You are in a state of constant expectation and want interesting and exciting things to happen to you. But in fact, you are a 'Walter Mitty' at times - a dreamer - over-imaginative and often given to fantasy or day-dreaming. There is nothing wrong in 'dreaming' - how boring life would be if one just followed the doctrines of everyday life - but one must not continue leading a life of continuous fantasy. You need to face reality in spite of all its possible shortcomings.You are working extremely hard - perhaps even above and beyond the call of duty. You are preparing for the future and therefore trying to build a firm trouble-free foundation upon which you may base all of your dreams and aspirations.

You are very demanding - and insisting on total involvement but you do not reciprocate with the same depth of feeling. However, it could well be that maybe an unprecedented surprise is awaiting you in the near future. For just as one whilst paddling in the sea, could flounder into a whirlpool, so you may be drawn into a loving situation that has high emotional demands - and you could well respond with a depth of emotion that you never even dreamed that you possessed.You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it.

You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.You don't like conflict and you endeavour to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

Just went youtube to see the rag day videos once again, that was like the upteen times i've watched it that i lost track already. Somehow i find myself always feeling much better after watching it. I dunno why. I suppose it's because it brings back really wonderful memories and the times i've had with CSI and people from SOW. Somehow it just gives me a sense of security in the midst of the madness that i am in now and i always feel much better after watching it. I feel like i belong there and not where i am now.

But yes, i have never regretted my choice. I remembered that after getting my A lvl results, i told Mr Almighty up there, that no matter how tough it is going to be, i will make sure i make it through the 4 years of BDS, in the event i get in. I didn't and i was so depressed. I wondered why he did that to me initially since i worked really really hard for it, carved like dunno how many plasters, moulded 20 odd tooth, bend hard and thin wires till my fingers hurt, work and went for intern, read like numerous stuff about dentistry etc etc. I thought he was being unfair, cos it seemed like things always don't go to those who really want and worked for it isn't it? But i realise i was wrong after that. I admit i detested science initially, it was like more of a place to house me cos other than that, there's no where i can go for my next 4 years. I hated my new faculty initially, cos it wasn't what that i've worked so damn hard for ever since J1, it doesn't match the amount of work, stress etc that i went through and i was so depressed that i couldn't talk about it. Life was just NOT fair. I lost faith then.

Maybe that was his way of making me realise that things never always come easy for me and that was his way to make me understand and cherish opportunities more. Perhaps, that was his way of telling me not to be complacent and not take things for granted. Maybe it was his plan all these while to let me get into science first before twisting my fate and let me enter dentistry. Maybe it was his way of showing me that fate does exist between people and that it is fate that brings people from all over the place together. I guess he wanted to let me go through something that will change my life dramatically and i suppose that was his way of making me learn and be more mature. I don't know what Mr Almighty has in mind for me. But i am glad for all the arrangements that he has made thus far, cos without that twist, i would never have entered science and met so many fabulous people, nor would i also have the chance of entering dentistry and doing what i've always longed to do..

What ever that it, i am happy that what has happened, happened. It is sad that i can't turn back time and experience what the good times again, but i'm happy that at least i was part of it.

In some sense, i need to be contented that i've got the best of 2 worlds and it is now that i understand that whatever i am going through now, inside and outside, is part of what i have to fulfill since i made a vow with Mr Almighty. This is just how he makes me learn to appreciate and be more mature in thoughts.



In some sense, i got the best of 2 worlds.

Another long entry to end my october saturday and to start my october sunday.

I'm so into mugging

Haha, at this wee hours, i'm getting a little freaked out in this little room of mine. Although i'm busy mugging, i just can't help but feel scared when i hear my neighbours dog cry. It's.... freaky. haha. i noe u guys must be thinking that i'm a scare-dy cat. hahahah. i DON"T deny. yeah i am.

It'm like freaking the hell out of me. And it is so not fun when i'm rewriting my anatomy lab notes in pen, cos well, images of those cadevas( precut, clean and nice ones) are flashing into my mind. Don't laugh, but yeah, i'm so freaking scared.

Oh btw, i went for korean food just now, it's soo good. Must try ya? It's at the food court at the basement of meridian. Try the chicken set or pork set, the barbeque meat is well marinated with adequate amounts of fat and it comes along with a side dish which u can choose from, the rice is moist, fat and chewy. It's so good, though i would prefer the soup from the korean restaurant at china town which i tink is equally good( or better, cos it comes with 6 side dishes at a flat price of $2 and it refillable FOC!!)

We went istana too, it was like, WOOOoo posh is the word, reminds me of meteor garden though, the place where Dao min xi lives( not that i like F4). But yeah, we had a good time there, talking, crapping. We saw the changing of shift of the guards and we were KINDA ogling at them. haha, and siew and i was trying to be funny when we walked behind them and saying " WAIT, don't walk so fast, we haven give u our numbers yet. Lolz." ( talk abt being crazy).

Went plaza singapura after that and shopped, kinda pity ashley, cos he got to come out with 3 girls who're crazy abt shopping and he has to wait and stand outside the shop. Lolz. Went Ben and Jerry after that. Oh i bought a top and 2 books. :D I wish money will just drop from the sky and i can buy mroe clothes. Having to wear office wear to school is just sooo troublesome. it sucks.

oh well, heard about the mini CSI outing they had on fri, it sounded sooo hilarious when i heard about kenny's spaceship as well as the lame jokes they cracked. How i wish i was there, man.. I miss CSI and SOW. I guess i miss the happy times and crapping more than anything else. I just wanna be with them leh, it's like ur troubles and worries just disappear and u're perfectly fine about being unglam and throwing all ur image( i guess all of us did eh? esp ben and kenny lolz) away, cos u're simply too comfy with them. That's what i call friends.

Alright, the crying dog has just stopped his/her incessant whining. i shall get back to work. But, i'm hungry. Oh yeah one more thing, i shall cut my hair tml. I think i'm obsessed with cutting my hair ever since i cut it short last year. When ever i'm bored or stressed or simply nothing to do, i'll feel like cutting my hair. it makes me happy. I think i'm mad, but it's fine. i hope my hair grows faster, so i can change my hairstyle often( that is if i dare too. :D).

I tink when i retire, i'll dye my hair hot pink or lime green, be a hip aunty. Oh yeah, one last thing i wanna say. I think my Dean looks cute. Cos he's kinda plump and he has these HUMONGOUS eyebags, that he reminds me of a giant panda. Heard from wei cheng that he even did silly actions during the sing-along demo during the pedo talk. That is so so so cute. lolz. I tink he looks like flintstone too. Haha, well, i'm just being crazy cos i've had a great day today with the penguins today.

What an excellent to end my week and start a new week. :D Yipee!!!

Here's the photo of the dress i promised to show. :)

Yes i am tired

I guess i am really tired. cos i used to be able to sleep at 2 and wake up at 7 plus 8. now it's like i need at least 7 or more hours of sleep and this is compromising my time for my workload in school. It's so much work i'm kinda dying from it. Ok. i shall not come online that much. realise it does takes up a lot of my time. i used to be able to focus more without internet. Hahahahah

Well, i shall go mug renal now. today shall try and complete my anatomy and renal and hopefully revise my dental morpho cos i realise it is sososo important. Tomorrow shall go swimming and buy my printer, but i shall do more tonight. Bye bye sleep. haha

I'm meeting regina, ash and siew for korean lunch later. still wondering what to wear. i tink i'll just be super casual? haha. i'm quite looking forward to the lunch. yeah

shall blog later tonight if i need to reach my daily quota for words, realised i hardly talk at home and in school i guess. i just dun wish to open my mouth, not because i have too many gold restorations and i may blind people with the light they reflect, but well, just don't feel like talking. guess it's the sore throat.

Mugging mugging mugging mugging mugging is my new hobby. hahahahah

Are we all happy?

I seriously wonder how many of us are really happy out there. When we smile, when we joke, when we laugh, how much of us do it from within? i dunno. i realise i've been feeling rather miserable inside. i guess i really miss my friends from NJ and my life back then. I know i was definitely much happier there despite the stress of A levels. Somehow, talking to them on msn, even without seeing them warms my heart more than anything else and that simple "be happy" meant more than it ever did. And when sometimes talking over the phone or a simple how's life means more and truly shows that they care. I mean, certain things u just feel it. It's magical. yeah it is.
I suppose when u have people who really cares and wants to see that u are happy, u just feel touched. I am glad i met all those special ones who really made my life so so so much more enjoyable admist all the unhappiness that is kinda stuck in this phase of my life now. i need to get out. I promise i will real soon.

Thanks everybody. We will all jia you together!!!
Somehow, i tink NJ rocks. heh heh

P.S : Thanks HT, JQ and Reg for talking to me on msn just now. Oh yeah, and ash, thanks for listening to my rantings over the phone just now. I'm sure we'll overcome this phase of our life soon, well, 1.5 more years for u yeah? I will tahan my 4 years. :D

I'm tired

I think i'm starting to burn out. Don't know why, but i am just starting to sleep a lot and i really feel tired ever so often. In addition to that sore throat outbreak and fever on wed night, i am just exhausted. Gosh this is not good. It's like i concuss the moment my head touches the pillow and it's almost an instant thing the moment my head is 180 degrees to my body. I wonder if there is a better biolopgical protractor than my head. haha

Well, i just did this colorgenics test online. Here's the results. Not so good eh? somehow it is true to certain extend and not true to certain extend. Aiyah, just read for your own leisure yeah? whether is it really true, i dun even know it myself. I wonder if this reads into your subconscious, but well, my results aren'at that good. Ooops. i actually dislike the some of the words, makes me feel like i'm a manipulator or something like that. Hmmm. negative connotations are just so not nice. Sounds like i'm scheming or something. shucks.
haha


results:


You are striving to make favourable impressions all of the time and you are going out of your way to make the impression that you are something special. You are constantly on the watch to see how your friends and neighbours are reacting to your various ploys. But this is so unnecessary because most of the time you are in control of the situation - and you are, in the nicest sense of the word, a 'manipulator' because you use various strategies very cleverly in order to influence and obtain the necessary recognition.You are feeling very vulnerable at this time. Nothing seems to be going in the right direction - business wise, private-life wise, everything. You need some emotional security and an environment which could possibly provide fewer problems, but the way you are feeling you can't be bothered even to make the effort.You feel unhappy because you feel that you are not able to obtain the co-operation of those around you. All you would like at this time would be to achieve harmony within your circle.You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true managerial material.

I did the test again and what is stated is almost the same except these additional parts.

You are willing to try anything once. You 'need to be needed' and what is perhaps more important you 'need to need.' You can only feel close to a person or persons when you feel you can trust them, but this trust needs to be proven to you.The situation at this time is one of considerable distress. You feel trapped and you are looking for some way out. You can find solace in the arms of someone who cares so long as there is no long-term emotional involvement..

Well, how much of me do u see in this? Man.. i really don' t like the manipulator words and the word " ploys". Am i really that scheming? maybe my mindset should change.

try it too :http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm

HELP is an understatement.

This is my first reaction when i saw my timetable for semester 2.
WTH??!!!!!!!!! and i believe after looking at this, u will finally understand that uni life is not as easy as you've thought.

All in all i only have an hour lunch break from 12 to 1 on monday and 1 to 2 on tues to fri.
Other than that, my lessons starts at 8 and ends at 5.30. Oh well, maybe i should be glad that fri starts later and ends earlier, but still, fri is from 8.30 to 5.

Yesh, this is how sucky it is. So if you are complaining that u have long hour breaks in between lessons, please think of me. I CRAVE for breaks. somehow i wonder if i will slim down afterall since i only get to eat during lunch and no other time. This is bad, so right now, while i'm still having a enjoyable time in semester 1, i shall cherish my short breaks in between lessons before they're long gone...

Now i only have one word for all out there.

HELP!

Just home

Right, i just reached home. Am finally so relieved that i am home. i guess sometimes when u're like out the whole day and can only reach home at past 9, u will really long to be able to go home early. but when u are always at home, i guess all u want to do is to get out.

Somehow after my CAs, i don't seem to be more relaxed. Got so much to do i'm dying from the mounts of work. Sian. I shall mug later i guess. But it's not good for my health. Already, i had slight fever last night and my throat is sounding the alarm already. Gosh, i wonder how many years of life i've lost due to my hectic schedule.

And it is simply not helping when anatomy is now on head and neck, the region of utmost importance to dentistry, but the lecturer is not giving us any notes and is teaching a hell lot of things at such a fast pace that it's killing me.

Gosh, my head has been throbbing for the entire day and i don't feel good about sleeping from 10 to 10 last night, cos it means that i have to do more within a shorter time in order to complete my work. I hate being unable to keep up with my schedule or being unable to finish my work. This is not good.

Hope i get well soon. Maybe i will employ more B cells and T cells, neutrophils to patrol my bloodstream. That is hopefully that prostaglandins levels will decrease so that i won't get fever or any pain. That is assuming that my natural killer cells aren't working too hard, cos if they are, it is bad news.. haha. right i shall stop all these physio rantings. i'm crazy. i shall attempt my biochem tutorial that i've been trying to start on since tuesday. sian. another sleepless night.

Well pp, for the photos, i will post them up real soon. heh heh. :)

IT'S WEDNESDAY!!

Yes, it's finally wednesday. 2 more days and i'll have my precious weekend. The thing is, before i even get to have a good rest, i have like, 9 lectures to read, anatomy self reading for CNS, anatomy revision for the up coming test, preparation of my dental morphology notes( which are graded), 3 tutorials( DUED TML!!), one cariology project to do.

I'm not stressed at all and i look forward to mugging and completing them. I'm just sooo happy about doing them. It's just that i could hardly find the time to do all those. if i have 3 days. i just need 3 whole days to complete all i can. I need 48 hours a day seriously.

Btw, finally met regina, siew han and kenny at the science forum just now. Somehow seeing them just makes my troubles and worries go away. Hmm, talk about the power of friends. How i wish i can see them everyday in class, talk to them and have loads and loads of fun just like what we did during SOW. I need another SOW again. I miss all my friends from there, and NJ peeps as well as COOW. :(

Oh ya, i saw jie jie's wedding photos too. OMG!! so nice la.. I'm so so so happy for her. Somehow a bit sad too, cos i feel that times have really changed. She'll be moving out and it'll only be kor kor left. It started with the 5 of us, then now going to be only 1 left. I will gie up ANYTHING, just ANYTHING, for time to turn back and all of us to be under the same roof again, just like how we were when we were kids and they's nothing fretting us etc at all.

But yesh. i cannot be so emo la. This blog is not suppose to expose the emo side of me. I should have grown out of that phase.

Yeah, i shall be happy. Jia you!

My dream.

I dream of more sleep and nothing else other than more sleep and i will want nothing other than more sleep. HELP!!!!!! Fell asleep while tutoring just now, just like what happen yesterday. Can you imagine my low energy levels? Was talking and talking and teaching while dozing off. Super malu lor. My eicosanoid levels are running low too, since prostaglandins is in charge of sleep and wake cycle( OMG, i need a break from biochem. YIKES!)

Heard that sleep helps to slim people down. I tink i'm growing fatter. hahahah. it's a fact and i take pride in not denying this fact. I have a dream, that is... to sleep more.
I hope my fairy godmother grants me my wish soon before i turn into a panda( which reminds me of one of the high ranking staff in school, cos he looks so huggable like a panda.. haha i'm not naming who, but he's the boss. i guess you know who. haha.)

I will JIA YOU!! BED! HERE I COME!!!

orh orh loh.

Escapism

Was on my way to tuition when i thought abt escapism. I realised that it has form a part of everyone's life, somehow, there is something that we are all trying to escape from by making ourselves more focused and engaged in other things, hoping our mind will be brought to somewhere really far away from our fears, memories and worries. Gradually, perhaps this way of running away from our problems has become a way of life for us. Only a certain brave few will take on their fears head on.

It seems like the older we grow, the more things we keep inside us, and the more worries we have. Sometimes i feel that, as we grow older, we seem to have lost the ability to smile and laugh from within. What is observed is purely a facial expression and a short moment of joy following a burst of serotonin. How many of us are really confident to say that we do laugh and smile from our hearts, even if we do, when was the last time that happened and how frequent does that happen to us?

Children, in my opinion, are more courageous. Perhaps of their lack of understanding the importance of EQ in the society, they do not hide, or even attempt to hide how they are feeling from within. Daring enough to show the others how they feel from within. You may say that they are naive, but i think they are brave enough to be true to themselves. Sometimes when i look at children, there will be this impulse for me to want to return to childhood. There seems nothing in the world for them to worry about and they get to express their emotions. Sometimes i wonder, if only everyone in the world is as appreciative as a child towards the little things in life, if only we are mor daring to hug and tell the others how much they meant to us, what a difference that would have made to our lives and how many regrets we will not thus have simply because we have told others how much we love them? Fear and more considerations of how the world sees us has made us fearful to express ourselves. Are we being truthful to ourselves then?

Human beings are really complex, somehow, i wish i had the happiness of that little boy who waved and said bye bye to the bangadeshi still working late at night at the bus stop just now. I believe, that made a difference to that man's life since imagine how many other people have had negative stereotypes about them and the type of glances they have recieved. That simple " Bye bye" is more than enough to bring warmth to him i guess, well, at least to me, it did.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh yeah, anyway, i bought this really cute pink dress for $25 at the bazaar just now.. haha. It's peach in color and hmmm, kinda short. But i won't wear it yet i suppose, all because of my tan lines. wear already looks like i'm wearing a white tank top underneath lor. hai, to think that i was so proud of my tan lines cos they show that i'm sporty. PUI lor, now i cannot wear new clothes because of the lines. But yeah, it's in the wash now, shall post a photo of it real soon and i guess priviledge few will get to see me wearing it. haha. it was an impulse buy la, but i'm happy about it. SHOPPING makes me HAPPY!!! WEEEEEeeeeeeee. I hope money falls from the sky, so i can shop somemore. haha

Once again..

I think i'm bored and i'm sure i'm tired. gosh. how the hell am i going to last the night doing 3 tutorials and reading 7 lectures( 4 renal and 3 biochem)? i must be mad. i will jia you.

i need to be back on track after 2 months. I will try and wish myself luck in conquering the most pressing issue that has been on my mind for 2 months. I know one day i will do it.

Yesh. :)

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. off to work.

YEAH!! Tests are finally over!!

Yeah. i'm so so so relieved that physio is finally over and i can get my break, or i supposed haha. but i'm just so relaxed now that 2 of my tests are finally over. i tink i'm rather lucky to have only 2 CAs and i shouldn't groan and moan so much. but i'm still glad that i finally get my well deserved break. The only problem is.... i've got tuition and loads of stuff coming up. gosh. when can i rest? Just take todayfor example, i've just had a 3 hour tuition and now i'm eating my dinner?!! Tml shall be tuition and wed will be meeting up with COOW and so on and so forth, so practically, the whole my of week is booked and i mean ENTIRELY booked.

I guess it's just my bad habit, but i like to arrange my things back to back and it always leads me to doing a lot but ending up with little time for myself. I was so tired during tuition i can doze off while teaching halfway and talk about things which i have no idea i am talking about. End up getting so malu and pai seh la, heh heh francis ah, if u read this, pardon me for saying weird stuff and making u so freaked just now and thanks for the coffee. haha

i guess i've been too uptight about things for the past month, been mugging REALLY REALLY REALLY hard and getting impatient really easily. but yeah. realise i got to take a back seat, but somehow i end up taking the front seat again( ok i know this is not funny). heh heh yeah. and guess what. after this, i'm going to chiong biochem tutorial and renal. gosh i'm too mean to myself. lolz. but heck. i bet that inner ky is used to it. :D

Oh ya, and i somehow realise, hmm i shouldn't have so much prejudice on dental fac. there are loads of nice people around too, like karen, yee may, kenneth, kelvin, wei cheng, william, charmaine, shymin, aik wei etc etc etc.

Maybe i've been too idealistic, keep thinking and expecting things to be really gd etc. but yeah, i suppose that's the hard thing about life i got to start learning. man. realise i've aged since i enter NUS, gosh. i need to be youthful again. haha, maturity of thoughts is good but i rather be immature at times. haha. alright. shall finish my maggi mee and mug.

As a final note, YEAH!!! CAs are OVER!!!!!

ARGH. This is not a fireball.

i don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in the course of my dream, but i'm just not happy though i very much wish and thought i will be.
Physio is likeable, anatomy is interesting, Operative dentistry is fun, biochem is alright, dental morpho and oral bio are understandable and intriguing, dental materials and cariology are ok too. i'm easily a happy mugger. But why am i still so unhappy there?

Maybe it has got to do with my attitude when i first enter, maybe, i don't know. Jus can't seem to be on the right frequency with many though it will be gd to be. Maybe it's really because i wasn't there for orientation, maybe because i'm just too independent, maybe because i'm just not a cliquish person, maybe because of my reluctance, maybe because.... i don't know. i know it's not good, but i realise i'm not really doing anything about it. I'm just not proactive in such things and dun really join unless people ask me too. but yeah, i just dislike the idea of hanging around people whom i'm not close to and frankly speaking, all in all, i tink it's my attitude that's causing the problems. but I am still not going to do anything about it, despite all the misunderstandings they may have about my character, but heck, they dun know me well enough in the first place.

i do really wonder whether i made the right choice now. But to think about it, i think i will still choose this path, cos i jolly well understood how it felt when i didn't get in the first place. the hollowness, the emptiness, the disappointment and lost of direction and disillusion. I suppose u'll understand what i'm talking about only when u've really lost something that means the world to you. That's y i'm worrying because althoughi got what i wanted, i am not happy. I should be contented and not ask for more. but i just wonder y i am unhappy, cos i should be over the moon(yes, initially).

I suppose the only thing that is really keeping me going and making me look forward to school is nothing other than meeting my SCIENCE FAC friends and the vision of completing my 4 years and obtaining my BDS.Frankly speaking, other than that, i cannot think of anything else. After this 4 years, I'm seriously gonna get OUT OF HERE. I just don't feel like i belong there AT ALL, more like a extra being who mugs realy hard, talks really little, shiam after lessons really fast, always stays to ask the prof questions or that who knows what person who always sits at a corner and hangs around selective beings( maybe being) in class.

Oh my gosh, where did that crazy and crappy kuanyee been to? where is that kuan yee who always hangs around and craps in class with eric and gang been to? Where is the happy kuanyee who grins from ear to ear and talks rubbish been to?
I have no idea. what faces me is a grumpy one who does incessant complaining. and i HATE that.
I need to be more positive i realise. i need to take a back seat and hang out with my friends more. I need to find s19, coow, njcsb and all my nj friends more. i NEED to be happy man..

I need to find myself back. I mustn't lose faith.

1st post so just let me test things out

Hi everybody, after so many years, i've finally decided to create a blog!! yeah. i suppose i need one to unleash my thoughts somehow. but yeah. i suppose i'm still learning how to deal with this thing, cos it just seem so complex. hmmmm right. hopefully i will get enough things to write here often. Somehow i'm still a bit apprehensive of having a blog, cos i've seen how misunderstandings have resulted due to posts. hmmm.. but yeah. i still believe in my diary at home. :) right. i'm just testing out this thing. i guess i need more trial and error. once i figure out how to post in chinese.. i'll flood this place man. haha.