nothing much.

Just packed my back pack for cambodia.

Still some stuff to get ready.

And i have yet to study for my tests this coming week.

Somehow...

I seem to be losing interest in whatever i am doing.

Not even cambodia trip..

Don't seem to be looking forward to it as much as before.

I just want to go somewhere else and take a breather.

What ever that has been happening recently are all taking their toil on me, i realise.

I'm exhausted.

Been down with this cold for about a week or so.

Doesn't seem to be recovering from it. I still find my voice a little nasal.

too many

So much i wanted to do.

So many things i wanted to say.

Many thoughts,

i can't focus.

i seem to be losing sight.

Of why i'm here initially,

of why i once worked so hard for it,

of why i wanted it so badly.

I seem to be losing faith,

things really hasn't been smooth recently.

Too many things.

Too many

我累了

这几天都好忙好忙。

也好累好累。

功课和labwork的进展也大不如前。

已经lag在别人后面了。

And i still have so much things to do， but not yet done for the lesson。

家里也有好多事等着我。

力不从心。

好累。

真的好累。

走进了人身的第二个十年。

所背的负担和压力也沉重了许多。

好累好累

Uncertainties

Unsure of whether to believe it or not.

Perhaps it's really good news, but it might jolly well be a mistake as well.

Uncertainties.

Talking to good friends has really eased the tension within by so so so much.

And once again, makes me reminisce the past.

Mixed feelings filled with lots of uncertainty and uneasiness.

Let me learn to deal with it.

At least i'm beginning to learn.

One important lesson in life.

回到过去

还有多两个星期就出国了.

之前的期待已变成了负担.

不知去了之后,

会发生什么事.

希望回来后所得到的是好消息.

而不是我最不想听到的事.

希望一切只是虚惊一场.

不然我也不知如何面对.

多两个星期...

我一点也还没准备.

至于下个星期的测验,

也是如此.

心烦气躁...

什么也读不进.

时间一点一点的流失,

我只想回到过去.

Accidentally came across this chinese language thingy, totally in love with it, cos it's exactly what i will write my diary in. Awesome.

好多个为什么。。。

生命有时难以了解。

当它让你尝到一点甜头时，它脑子里早有准备让你在下一秒跌入无底洞。当你想爬起来时，却又以另一种方式跌入一个更深的洞里。或许也就是这样，人们才会相信世上有神的存在。但神真的存在吗?

我一直以来都认为他存在着。但。。。近日来所发生的种种事让这信念动摇了。

或许他根本都只是人们一厢情愿的想法罢了。

如果他真的存在，那么为什么好人会被病痛缠身。为什么坏人会长命百岁？

为什么所许下的愿望，总不实现或者要几经挫折后在会实现？

为什么有些生平不做坏事的人会过着那么辛苦有充满包袱的一生？

而为什么这些人平日那么努力的想用自己的手创造更好的日子时，

总是要有不好的事情发生，让他们又回到原点呢？

如果神是正义的，是慈悲的，是通情达理的，

为什么事情还会成为这样？

经过这么多，这么多。。。。

我想。。。

或许神根本没有存在过,他也只是人们天马行空的想象力的作品之一。

如果神真的存在，我好希望他能告诉我答案。

如果他真的存在，我想让他知道我这一次有多么的失望。

别问我发生什么事，应为我也可能无法回答。

但也别担心，我想我可以。

Irony

Sometimes, life REALLY has its way of toying with people's feelings.

It's like when things starts to make a turn for the better,

another part of your life just has to be screwed up.

Many times, we can stand up after a fall.

Yet, not long after, we find ourselves falling down again.

When we stand up, we think we've won.

But this time, Life's got me.

Yeah. i admit i've lost.

But i rather lose in other ways and not this,

Not when it involves people around me, especially those closest.

Not when it involves issues pertaining to health and well being.

Not when it leaves me with no clue of how to deal with it.

Just when i'm involved in helping others and their families,

This has to happen to me.

What an irony that is.

I cannot falter.

There are people who need me.

I will not cry. I cannot cry.

Life's battles need to be faced.

Face to face.

Head on.

Helping others but unable to help yourself.

What an irony.

Thank you

Fortunately, everything is going on rather smoothly thus far( i dare not say abt the posters yet).

900 kids..

Hopefully things will fall nicely into place.

School's rather hectic, with people trying to finish everything, rushing and etc.

And guess what..

When i thought my cavity prep( tooth drilling) was rather alright.

I failed the test.. Argh.

Now i have to redo 3 times and then go for the test AGAIN.

That makes 3 tests that i'll have to do before i leave for cambodia on the 7th.

I just pray that everything goes on smoother.

Anyway,

i'm quite surprised at the support people around me have been giving.

Really thankful and grateful towards those who've offered to help me.

A BIG THANK YOU FOR HELPING OUT WITH THE TOOTHPASTE SPONSORSHIP.

I wonder how i'm going to make ends meet without your help.

Thank you very much.

Really.

:)

900 kids

Once again,

life has it's way of giving you surprises.

The recent one isn't as pleasant.

Instead of the estimated 400 children in cambodia...

We're just told that there are actually 900 children that we'll have to cater to.

Holy holy.

NINE HUNDRED?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

right...

where are we suppose to find enough toothbrushes and toothpaste.

How are we going to raise enough funds to help them?

I need a miracle now..

Times are hard, sponsors aren't really as generous anymore.

Toothpaste, toothbrushes.

If only they fall from the sky.

help needed

Just in case there are any mis-understandings,

The toothpaste sponsorship is in the form of money.

As in, cos it'll be cheaper for us to get them via a direct supplier, so can get more ma.

I really appreciate all forms of help.

Please, if you read this,

Help me ok?

I'm trying to get all donations in by this week so i can get the logistics done asap.

If you need, i can give you a receipt or collate an excel sheet to u at the end.

Thanks a lot.

Help Help Help

Talking about the cambodia trip..

It'll be a week long event.

Dental side only got 4 students. and it's 3 guys one girl. dots.

Recently have been having a little trouble getting enough tooth paste.

So i'm thinking of asking you guys reading out there,

who are reading my blog.

Are you guys keen on helping out on helping to sponsor toothpaste?

Not a lot. And i promise i'll post a photo of the receipt and the tubes each person sponsored here.

Perhaps, 1 person sponsor 5 tubes of toothpaste or so.

A little help goes a long way.

And i hope by asking more people, i can get more toothpaste for the ppl there.

:)

Please tag or sms me to let me know ok?

I can buy first and u guys can return me the money next time. :)

Thanks a lot

gray

Sometimes i also don't know what i am feeling.

Something not very nice usually.

It's a grey feeling.

I'm so looking forward to graduating, cos by then, my evenings will be so free to be spent with meeting friends.

That is provided things aren't awkward by then.

i guess i lack friends now.

Not the superficial ones, but the real ones.

I just seem to have bad days in school literally everyday.

though nothing has happened,

but i return home feeling..

gray.

Don't know how to describe.

In 3 weeks time,

I'll be in Cambodia for a week.

wonder how it'll be like.

...

Been having the dejavu feeling since yesterday..

Somehow...

My timetable makes me feel so detached from the world...

Miss hanging out with my friends...

To an extend i wonder if i can even maintain a proper conversation with them..

When you don't meet people for too long,

You lose touch.

Already, i find myself drifting off from them.

Not good, not good.

I really miss my sec sch and jc days..

where laughter seems to surround me, where everything seems to be so enjoyable and i really get to be myself and do what i really wanna.

There are too many things i need to consider now that i rather i don't interact to avoid messing it up.

But this part within tells me to find the missing thing.

I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to people freely and comfortably.

I find it harder to talk about not serious stuff,

Cos perhaps i'm so detached i know nuts about what's going on in their life and that means nothing to talk about anymore.

Conversations gets a little trying and a little awkward.

I'm constantly working,mugging and what not.

My life's like going school, home, school, home.

I'm so drained and tired at the end of the day, all i want is a good bath and a good rest in bed.

i use to look forward to school in sec and jc.

I dread waking up every morning now.

Not much leisure, not much communication.

I'm finding it more and more difficult to be less serious.

I want to play,

i want to be not serious.

But..

how?

Perhaps, when we get somethings , we lose somethings too.

All that i remember vividly about my sec sch and jc days are the fun and crazy times. But all that i will remember in the future about the time now... I don't think there will be much stuff.

ps: cai, yeah, i do find myself detaching from you all leh, but i'm glad at least this blog lets me let you know what's going on here and i'm glad that i've got you guys all these while. :) I miss those good old days back in fhss.

Who is reading?

Just wondering who actually reads my blog.

If you do, please tag the board or leave a comment ok?

So i can actually determine whether it's worth keeping this blog or should i just return to my diary.

Thanks :)

happy birthday to jun cheng :)

Just had human resource management course today.

It's absolutely fun and interesting.

Somehow, halfway through the course, i felt as if the person was directing it at me.

Well, at least that was how i feel.

Paranoid la paranoid la.

But then.. it's an issue affecting me, or at least, found prominently in me. hmmm

Anyway, heck la.

Today's been fun..

But i kept having dejavu.

Somehow la.

Been feeling as if the days were exactly the way they are when i was a kid, when i was still young, when i was still at nj last year.

Somehow, i give my times and years colours,

or rather, the colours depend on the brightness, tone, hue and chroma of the sunlight etc.

so perhaps today's just coincedent with the past.

Anyway,

TODAY's JUN CHENG'S BIRTHDAY!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JC.. nice talking to you this morning.

HAPPY BIrThDAY and MEET UP SOON!

hai. talking abt meetin up.

I've been feeling rather sore that the rest are having hols and i'm in school..

Been having a couple of people asking me out, but i just can't seem to have the time.

So sickening leh.

So sorry ah pp..

Jia Qi

Certain people simply brightens up your day, your week, or even your month.

Even though i didn't meet her, nor see her for so long,

talking to her over that few hours has made me so happy.

Happy that i have such a friend, happy that i got to know her,

someone who gives honest feedbacks, is truthful and sincere,

someone who doesn't attempt to hide who she is.

Listening to her has made me more sure and aware of what is happening, and there were a few moments i actually felt that what she said was like BINGO.

It's great to know that despite not seeing each other, not being in touch,

I still have friends who cared, friends who are there.

Thanks a lot Jia qi.

As a side note, i went out today and baked a durian cake.

I even did the whipping cream and decorated it. it looks really nice.

And well, it's for MOTHER'S DAY!!

hope my mom likes it.

Will post some pictures of it soon. before it gets devoured.

:)

Happy ending to my week, hope the coming one will be better, or just as good.

i also don't know where this is getting to.

When parents quarrel, or rather, when one parent starts scolding the other...

The party which is the most innocent but bears the greatest trauma is the kid.

I suppose when children are small,

they are the most affected, since they cannot understand what is happening except parents hurling abuse at each other.

When they grow up,

perhaps they bring along this image with them.

Some grow up and starts to do the same,

some lose faith in relationships,

some simply withdraw,

some stood up and starts to rebuke their parents.

I wonder how many of such stories happen in homes nowadays.

And i wonder how many couples who no longer feel for each other are simply stuck under one roof simply because of the kid.

Well...

interpersonal relationships is a bizzare thing.

So is EQ.

Currently,

my school is my training ground for EQ.

It's tough, and i feel like i'm constantly wearing a mask.

But you really see through pp.

There are many very nice and wonderful people around,

and some you wish they'll simply vanish before you and you'll be grinning secretly(EQ,EQ)

Sometimes,

handling people takes a huge effort.

and when i say i'm training for my EQ, i would rather say..

i'm just a hypocrite.

Or in a nicer way, learning how to deal with and handle other people, as well as my own emotions.

But it all goes back to the same thing.

Just as i am a hypocrite to those i don't like..

at least i make it a point to really help and be truthful to those who deserves it, and i make sure they get it too..

and i do it ungrudgingly, feeling so darn happy after that.

Don't second guess what i'm trying to say sometimes.

I don't like that, and i see no need to. I mean, i myself even forget about what i say sometimes, oh well...

Cons about mugging.

But thanks for reading anyway.

...

Sometimes, certain things people do just make you feel so incompetent.

Somehow, whatever that has happened makes me feel so.

I don't deny that i still feel weird.

I don't deny that i've NEVER let my guard down.

But i'm still learning to deal with people, with certain behaviours of others which irks me.

It's tough.

And i really need to say no soon.

It's making me feel used.

How would you feel if people come running to you to get things,

without asking sometimes, without saying thanks afterwards..

and most importantly makes you highly suspicious that they will reciprocrate that kind offer?

Fake smiles, fake gestures, real hypocrites.

Perhaps i'm in the process into becoming one.

wassup

alright, just in case any of you guys out there are wondering why i wrote the previous entry......

don't worry, i'm not plagued by matters of the heart.

Not now and i don't think it will happen in the near future.

It was just. hmm how i felt about what that has been happening around me and what i see.

heh.

definitely not the events happening to me. so don't worry.

Thanks for your concern anyway,

And sometimes i do wonder who exactly reads my blog?

School's starting tomorrow.

Shucks. i want longer holidays

bye bye hols

I feel like i'm wiping people's asses for them.

Argh.

Anyway, Happy birthday miss yeo. :)

Hope you like the cake i bought. :0

Was really nice and great to chat to a great friend on a wonderful saturday afternoon,

Just one of those rare occasions where i actually hoped that time will stop so that we can continue to talk and talk further.

Hopefully when the exams end, the rest will be more free.

Hopefully my special term is smooth flowing and peaceful.

Hopefully school will be more enjoyable for me, not only in the mugging sense.

But well,

Having no expectations is still the best way out.

I'm just not ready yet?

Who knows.

1 last day of my hols.

and then bye bye holidays.

Matters of the heart.

Sometimes i do wonder why people fall in love.

Why would they love someone more than their family?

When they are giving the person a chance to hurt them.

Why do they love to be loved by someone when they often take they're family's love for
granted?

Why is it that people yearn for someone's love when they fail to see that there are people, like their parents, who loved them beyond any reasons?

When people fall in love.

How do they know that this person is the one?

How would they know?

And how to they tell?

By the 5 senses? By?

Do they really love the person?

How would they know if they really loved the person? How would they know if the person wouldn't hurt them one day?

How would they know this is what they are looking for when they may not necessary know what they are searching for?

Or do they simply love the feeling of being loved?

Do they simply want to venture out and experience it, so that they can hone their skills at finding their perfect mate.

Or is it because having someone is better than none?

Or do they just want to do it because they truly love the person? But if this is the case,
How sure can they be that this person is going to walk with them to the end?

How sure are they that this person is THE ONE?

Why are some people so bent on finding their partners?

Why is being single at old age being linked to negativity?

Is there a rule to be attached? Is it a must for people to set up their own families?

I wonder when such mentalities first arose.

Even in the bible, there is Adam and Eve.

Why must man be with woman and woman with man?

Why is it warped to see 2 men together or 2 women together?

Perhaps this is just society's way of maintaining balance in the male to female ratio.

Well, the primary purpose of all of us is to propagate. Isn't it?

Without propagation, there won't be life, and perhaps that's why society is so against behaviours with threaten this.

I do wonder why people like to be tied down with obligations which comes along when they fall in love and get attached.

And i do wonder how some people can fall in and out of love THAT easily, if they have placed their whole heart in.

How do they know that the new person is not being a substitute or filler to fill up the gaps?

How is it that they can step out of it that quickly and allow themselves to give others a chance to hurt them again remains something which i cannot comprehend.

And neither do i want to understand for fear that it is something which i wouldn't like to hear.

What is so bad about being single?

Why do people fear being single?

Single doesn't mean we don't have friends, we don't have family, we can't have children, we can't support ourselves, we can't enjoy live.

Most importantly, being single doesn't mean that we can't love and can't be loved.

There are so many kinds of love in this world. From loving our family, to loving our job, our pets, our friends.

The most important love is to love ourselves.

Why should we be so dejected and worried that we can't find the 'boy and girl" kinda love, when we have so many other kinds of love that we can give and receive?

Single isn't that scary.

Single just means you've not found the person yet. Period.

Why should we be so afraid of being single?

Perhaps it's the way we've been influenced by the society. Been to focused on the negative aspects that we have failed to look at the whole picture and the beautiful parts of it.

Perhaps this is propaganda, only that it is from the society.

But i must say this kinda propaganda is rather successful,

that it seeps in so deep, to be so implanted in almost everyone, that perhaps not many asks the question why.

I don't think that being single is something bad.

If we need to learn how to live with someone, how to love someone,

shouldn't we start by learning how to live with ourselves, how to accept ourselves and how to love ourselves first,

before we are eligible to do that to someone else?

Matters of the heart can be puzzling at times.

You may choose to ignore this and view it as a biased blog entry, but still, i'm not ashamed nor worried to be single.

In fact, i am enjoying myself.

In years to come, this view may change, but that will be for the years to come.

Nobody knows what will happen for sure.

Do you?



Heh.