...

I feel kinda bad.

That u realise sometimes i do spend too much time working, mugging etc.

That i am spending lesser and lesser time with my parents, and friends especially.

I owe them a lot a lot.

My time etc.

Now that i am having float building..

I thought i would be more free.

But that doesn't seem to be the case.

Most of the time, i'm clueless as to what to do.

So i just try and find things to do.

But i find myself screwing things up.

Just today, I spilled paint.

Bad bad bad.

And i keep doing things slowly.

Work to be done in 1 day.

I took like 3 days?

Nono.

Not enough money, not enough funds.

hai.

And i feel guilty that i was unable to interact with siew, reg etc..

We got so much to catch up.

So much to talk about.

Just 1 year ago,

I was still a freshie.

Things were SO different.

I wasn't in dentistry 365 days ago.

Things have changed so much.

For the good, for the bad.

I just hope i didn't change.

:)

@nd day at float building and i suppose it's really good lah.

i find that i really get to know my classmates better( yeah, 1 yr late). But at least better than never.

I suppose perhaps it's becos we aren't so stressed about our studies etc.

And it's like one of the rare chances that i actually unwind myself.

laugh heartily.

well.. and i got to know the juniors wells.

somehow, i just felt that we need to do something for them.

cos they're new and the faculty's tradition always involves a certain degree of ragging.

And i don't really agree with this, cos some of the DOCTORS(yeah, ironically) don't behave according to the social schema of how a doctor should behave( gentle, benevolant, easy going, nice).

No, they are the direct opposite, some scolding vulgarities at us, showing off their authority for some, getting juniors to do silly and stupid things and laugh at it.

i think it can get rather demeaning.. and given my experience as a really NEWBIE last year, the more i felt that i know how they feel.

The more i feel that we should help them and do something about it.

Some of the doctors really piss me off.

Now, i feel that i will NEVER refer my patients to them, no matter how good they are.

Personality flaw will always be a personality flaw, and in my eyes, personality and character is more impt than how well they are able to do things. Poor character means poor character and it over-rides the rest.

So, yeah, I'll make sure i won't turn out like them.

AND i'll make sure i take GOOD GOOD care of my junior, just like how my seniors in my line treat me.

well, more days to go.

Hope i will enjoy float and get to know my classmates and the juniors better. :)

Yeah,

a change for the better.

Oh yeah..

and i really really am so touched by my cousin's gesture last night.

Cos i was doing night duty, and she and her husband went to buy supper and drive to sch to give me!!

wa. SUPER NICE. I'mr really touched.

Although i kinda asked them to( which is making me guilty) but the gesture of them driving down JUST to pass me food is just nice.

Well, i may not be close to my brothers, but at least...

I know i'm close to my cousins.

Luckily i have them in my life. if not i'll really be like the only child.

And that will be so kinda sad.

Thanks a lot Jie Jie. :)

argh

I agree with what he said.

I need more faith. and be more firm im my own principles.

Somehow,

I can really tell that i'm starting to see the TRUE sides of people.

Good, bad, selfish.

All starting to show.

And i still don't understand why people like to talk about irrelevant stuff ever so often and not reading up etc.

End up having to disturb other people who're working almost all the time, every single step that they're doing.

I'm not the assessor u know, how the hell will i know whether this is good enough or not, and for goodness sake, can't you be less reliable on others and also be LESS selfish?!!

One more thing,

please STOP taking my things without my permission.

I hate that.

I respect you, and i hope u respect me too.

Simple as that.

hmmmm

Just had a long talk with my senior over the phone.

Told him about almost everything that i've kept. Issues with the class, with pp, pp about me etc etc.

Well,

i also gained new insights, and realise the changes that i need to make etc.

and i've really though through about what he said.

Perhaps it's time i make some changes.

I think i should and i really have to learn to let go of stuff.

Let tomorrow be a good start.

once again,

this is really a blessing in disguise afterall.

I have a really good senior, and i'm grateful for that.

still thinking of whether i should let him know the existance of this blog.

i really don't know.

For fear of the possible outcomes etc.

cos the moment i let this be known, it's like making myself vulnerable.

i really don't know.

any advice?

Let's take a poll.

relieved

Talked to a few classmates on the bus ride home.

I realise i'm not the only one who had issues with some pp's attitude in class.

It's comforting to know that.

And i felt better.

for knowing that i'm not the only odd one out,

for not being too sensitive,

for realising that such a problem actually exists.

but talking about them doesn't mean i will back step them.

I know it's not good to talk about other pp like that behind their backs.

But i'm planning to tell them when i see them doing such things again.

I have my own principles.

Most importantly,

I don't want to be a hypocrite.

argh

ARGH.

let it stop.

vicious circle

Shag. tired. drained.

cui.

i know what i'm doing is wrong, and i know most probably those around are thinking that i'm bullying or what so ever.

Well, perhaps they don't know the whole story and don't know the whole issue.

so perhaps i seem like the one ALWAYS at fault.

but well,

i see no point in explaning myself or justifying to anyone. As long as i know my conscience is clear, i think i just let it be.

Though i know i most prob am in bad light now.

but nvm..

they just don't know me well enough.

hai, i miss my sec sch and jc classmates and friends.

Somehow i'm like going through a vicious circle.

If only I had someone like Cai in my class to listen and talk to me now.

if only there's someone who really knows and understands and perhaps feel the same way as i did.

float building starting next week.

I think i'll find my line senior and have a long chat with him and have a counselling session with him soon.

hope that i can trust him with that, since well, there isn't many pp around for me to do that to nowadays.

i feel that everything's like bottling up within and i can't take it anymore.

about the past year, about almost everything.

I don't know who to trust there, so i guess i'm taking chances.

hopefully my gut feeling will not betray me.

i just can't settle in. i'm like going round and round in a vicious circle just like what ashley said.

vicious circle.

no starting point, no ending point.

argh.

camp 2

I've always enjoyed camps since jc.

But somehow, all i wanted was for this camp to end.

REALLY soon.

and all i think of is. OMG lucky it ended.

I don't look back at it and miss it at all.

Something unlike what i will do every time.

I guess.

It's just the way it is.

argh

Back from camp.

It's just alright.

Not exactly fantastic, but still bearable.

I mean, i must really give credit to the camp com people for working so super hard for this. Could really tell that they've put in a lot of effort, time, energy into it and i could sense that they were quite stressed.

Somehow...

I'm just disappointed. With the reaction of some juniors, for asking me what's the point of having certain events when they feel that it's a waste of time.

So dissappointing, cos the seniors put in so much effort, bear with their pee for 10 bloody hours, fed their blood to mozzies and lost their voice, got stranded in the rain.

And i really wonder y there doesn't seem to be a wee bit of appreciation.

Rudeness was what i encountered a couple of times.

BUt i mean, there are always black sheeps around, so i shouldn't discount the rest of the freshies for their enthu. I know they're quite shagged and quite bored from the waiting. But well, sometimes, things are always changing and there's nothing we can do sometimes but to wait for further instructions and not create more headache for the leaders as they sort things out.

And, i'm also disappointed with some other people too.

Totally not prepared, and last minute. Never plan what they got to prepare, and then in the last minute, calls have to be made etc to purchase stuff. I seriously wonder why can't they be more prepared. It just adds on to the already existing problems. And it seriously doesn't help when most of the times when help is rendered, only more troubles occur.

And it doesn't help to have someone feeling pissed with you on the last day. But well, since i can't figure out what's wrong, i don't bother. Cos i really can't think of anything which i did wrongly. All i had in my mind was to get everything settled nicely and neatly, so that things run smoothly and efficiently.

But well,

this trip also made me know my classmates more, made better friends with a few of them. As in, i seriously think that perhaps i'm just kinda cocked up back then.

Like what i said: i've got to remove the speck of dust from my eye before i can see others more clearly. i'm just too concerned with my own speck of dust last time, that i missed out the chance of hanging out with nice people. I mean these people are great. Just that i'm too affected by the black sheeps i supposed. And well, that's my bad.

Somehow i wish that my class is not as cliquish as it is now. Sometimes, i feel that it's to the extend of being a little exclusive. But hmmm. heck, i need my freedom and i'm happy.

Overall,

i think there's really a lot of hardwork and effort put into this whole thing and though some people may not exactly appreciate it, i think i'll just let it be.

Sometimes i really think that my fetish for perfectionism makes me a super anal control freak. To the extend that i try to do most things by myself and get it done asap. I do things for a reason and i like to think 5 steps ahead. The problem is i do things for a reason but i don't say the reason. Perhaps that's what that makes me look like a control freak. But i mean, knowing your things and where they are is better than having to ask many people before you can find a bowl or something. At least i know where the things are and how many and where i can find them.

I suppose sometimes it makes people misunderstand me. Makes me look too domineering and work-driven. I don't deny the fact. But then, i guess at least i make sure things don't go wrong as much as i can. And i make sure i don't add on to existing problems.

What ever the other says.. i think if i'm sure that i'm not guilty of doing anything sorry to anyone, i'll don't have to care about what others think. If i don't think i've done anything wrong, i'll just be myself.

tired.

gotta sleep. lessons tml.

i must salute the ex-co and the camp com. seriously

sleep!!

I am tired.

Physically. but not mentally.

somehow, it's affecting my memory and concentration.

Tml, have a compulsory talk at NUH from 730 till 830.

Then.

lessons all the way till 1pm.

Have lunch and change by 1.20 for amazing race.

and i need to load stuff for logistics to the car.

then head sentosa for camp.

all the way till sunday.

sunday noon break camp.

lunch with veron and peeps, then head home do wax-up and read occlusion.

Monday sch.

argh.

1 more week of sch before it's rag for 2 weeks from 8am to 10 pm daily.

argh.

i need more sleep.

sec sch days

I miss.

My sec sch days.

fireballs

I don't know how i will feel if i keep this within me for too long.

I'm just bursting with dis-pleasure.

ARGH.

i need to get it off, so yeah, bear with me while i rant.

Whatever i type below is gonna be part of a FIREBALL entry.

so pardon me if i sound really childish and what not.

I need to get it off my chest.

It's making my blood boil and i need to relieve it a little.

I really cannot take this person anymore.

ARGH.

ok here it goes.

Don't ask me who the "YOU" is. just take it as someone i really start to dislike.

First, u asked me where my loyalty lies on the first day of school when in the first place, i don't even know you well and since u asked me about orientation, i told u about science. And it's not good when i keep hearing that a few times after that.

Bad 1st impression u've given me. VERY VERY bad.

then next, u made sarcastic remarks which in my view were rather insulting, not only to me but also to my friends.

Esp when u said stuff like. " y u wear until so slack, just like the science ppl leh. so slack so slack. Aiyah, u go science la, dun come here la. U don't look any different from them. go science la. "

shock. bewildered. insulted.

1 word. WTF.

Pardon my language, but i'm really pissed.

Though this happen like almost 10 months ago or even more, i still cannot take it.

and then. it's today.

I really don't see the point of u making such a hmm, how would i say.. utterly NOT amusing remark. Yes, u may assume that i'm at the end of class and will be oblivious to it. but no. i heard it. maybe i'm being over sensitive. but i really don't see the need of u to say " Oh, u nv come sch yesterday ah, nvm la, borrow ky's notes she copies everything that the lecturer says." yeah.

i see the smile on ur face and i want to smack u.

Somehow i thought somebody was asking me for whole series of lecture notes the other time?

to think u got the face to say it.

and just yesterday, i waited so darn long to use the trimming machine, and then just as i was trimming my FIRST set of cast, while many others have trimmed theirs already.

I really don't understand y u want to queue behind me when the other person using the OTHER machine is just doing a little work and there's nobody behind her.

I see no point y u need to say : " KY, do u think i have any chance of touching the trimming machine today?"

Oh come on. do u need to be THAT sarcastic?

Just as i'm starting to enjoy sch...

i need to be reminded of all these.

say that i'm petty.

But i just cannot take it anymore.

any moment..

i swear i'm so gonna lose my temper.

considering the fact that i've not lost my temper since school started.

don't make me do it.

i won't be very nice.

and i don't think it'll be a nice scene or situation to be in.

I try as hard as possible to tolerate the nonsense and treat it as if u're spewing shit from your mouth, i refrain from displaying displeasure.

Cos i don't want to downgrade myself to YOUR level. And i see no point in wasting my time over u.

But somehow, as i try to act normal and pretend nothing happen, i feel like a hypocrite.

Makes me wanna slap myself upside down.

I really cannot take it anymore.

This is the last straw.

Forgive me for calling u bitch.

argh.

i need to scream.

i bet i look childish and ultra low EQ now.

But i can't take it anymore.

enough nonsense.

I've had enough.

argh.

alright, i feel so much better.

i really think i need to NOT publish this.

But heck.

THIS is MY blog.

And thanks bitch, for making me realise there are so many wonderful people around you.

Even lizards seem to pale in comparison to you.

At least they don't talk the way u do.

$980

Year 2 is definitely not a gd start at all.

AT ALL man.

i lost these 3 components of my facebow last week.

And i cannot remember where i last saw them or even used them.

It's not a gd sign.

Short term memory is getting to me.

And guess what.

I called up Eastern Dental to ask about the price of a facebow.

And they told me it comes in a set with the articulator.

That means, i cannot just buy the facebow and return a brand new one, though i've only lost 3 out of the many things inside. and that means, i need to buy the articulator too.

Total price = $980.

gosh.

Kill me.

Just kill me.

And it's not gd when it's the dean who's in charge of this subject and he's the one who issued the equipment.

Thank myself.

i think i should thank myself very much.

And give myself a thousand slaps.

trashing

I'm trashing things out.

I'm tired, and i'm at the verge of giving up.

To not give a damn anymore.

To just let things be and let things turn for the better or worse, whichever the case is.

But somehow,

i always feel this responsibility to take charge of things to make things run smoothly and efficiently.

Simply can't afford for things to drag and snowball.

Time is extremely precious and we all know that given the workload.

It tires me to always be the bad guy,

criticizing, saying things and trashing things out hoping that situations will improve, behaviours will improve.

To make life easier for me, for you.

It doesn't seem to work.

I tried to not give a damn, but then...

I can't just let things be when it's gonna affect others negatively when the issue is how emotions are dealt with.

Sometimes, we need to use our brains and not our hearts.

Perhaps i'm using my brains too much,

i may appear indifferent, cold, hard, harsh or whatever crap.

I don't really care if i appear in the bad light, as the domineering one or even the controlling party.

cos if i don't, i can't get things running smoothly.

It's my flaw, i regconize that and i try to change and be more people orientated, to love what i use to hate.

Sometimes, people just misunderstands.

Not because they don't see. But it's precisely because they only see, and not understand. Assume what they see and not understand what they see, and see only the superficial

And i don't bother to explain to others who aren't involved, cos it doesn't help to include more people into the issue. and i see no point in trying to explain to others who don't understand, but thinks they understand and tries to stick their nose in.

I see no point in wasting my time and energy in dealing with these people.

In "The Last Lecture" it was written like this : When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that mean's they've given up on you.

Yeah, that stuck with me somehow.

But perhaps, it's time to just don't say anything. It seems better to be selfish and just zip up.
Makes life more enjoyable for everyone, less taxing and less stressful. Problems may arise and i just make sure i don't create troubles for others. other's problems i shall let them settle themselve. Just that somehow i'm always find myself being approached by others to help settle their probs. i believe that if i ever cook up a prob, i try and make sure it does not affect other people, if it does, i make sure i remedy it myself as much as i can.

perhaps i shouldn't expect other to do that too.

Maybe what this friend of mine said is true : " you cannot be concious of how others think of u, if not u can never survive in our environment. That is one hard truth i found out after i came here."

That stuck with me too.

Perhaps that is Oooo so true.

Ultimately it's gonna end soon, but i want to be a responsible dentist to my patients. I want to give them my best, if i can't, i won't give anything at all.

Do it once, do it well.

Can't do it well, then don't do it at all.

I call that responsibility.

If we don't have responsibility, then we don't have the right to do anything at all.

If we even do anything,

That's plain selfish.

random

ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RAAR!!!!!!!

beat the fats, beat the fats.

haha

i've really got nothing to write.

gotta amuse myself sometimes.

2nd week of sch coming!

I shall learn to love.

love lab and love lectures.

and love my oscar and the "oooh so evil" little teeth.

haha

the best and the worst

I'm so disappointed with some people today.

Was supposed to do something together.

Ended up doing it alone today.

And i have no idea why they didn't turn up.

But i guess i should stop helping people who never seem to want to help themselves other than other people helping them.

really.

sick of it.

Been refraining myself to bother about them for so long, hence the absence of fireballs.

But everytime,

I just find myself being disappointed with people again and again,

over and over again.

sick.

Really sick and tired.

I'm not going to help them anymore.

And sometimes i find myself going at my own expenses to help them.

What for?

waste my energy and effort.

Most importantly,

waste my time and make me feel that it's not worthwhile at all.

I rather help people who are dedicated to what they are doing.

Luckily i've found such people in class and i would rather go all out to make our days better in school.

Seeing the best and the worst in people.

Really broadens my horizons.

1st week

I like lab sessions.

But i don't know why i keep screwing it up.

short changing myself of the time

And i'm so damn it slow now.

And i hate it when i have to rush and squeeze and "fight" for materials.

so insane.

so rush.

I don't know how i will be able to work fast and be ahead of things instead of things being ahead of me.

It's crazy, frantic, frenzy.

And i cannot work with stress that well.

Stress does wonders to my body.

for one..

constipation is one of its master works

i'm full of shit.

Literally.

argh. hahaha

it's suffocating

And it's only the 1st week of yr 2, the start of hell

got my ass burnt

Things are going out of hand man..

It wasn't started by me..

And i also never do anything,

well, perhaps just play along so that everyone's happy.

And put up with the teasing..

but now...

somebody really thinks something is going on..

It's not so funny anymore.

It's not and will not be.

And i'm pretty sure it's just the principle of self fulfilling prophecy occuring in their minds.

Perhaps they had too much fun,

so now they really think it's for real.

Luckily,

I know there'e nothing going on.

100% sure.

Gosh.

somebody better save my ass before it get blown out of proportion.

argh.

not funny.

Hai

~exasperated~

Bae Yong Joon

I can't believe it.

My mum is now a fan of Bae Yong Joon.

Oh my goodness.

We were watching the new show on Channel U and i asked her about the plot.

Her reply: " i also dunno what's going on, but i just to look at that guy."

My reaction: Huh?! Looks at my dad( who's also kinda mesmerized by BYJ.

-faints-

....

2 more days and my hols are over.

Still got so many things to do.

WAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh no..

And i'm not even in holiday mood yet.

EH!

People never fail to amaze me.

I'm simply in awe to see people owning up for their own mistakes,

To see people expressing their gratitude and appreciation for little things that others do,

To have people telling others that they're proud of them for what they've done.

Somehow...

I find that doing so takes courage, especially when you don't really know the recipients of the message that well.

Or that...

Hmm i don't know. Ego i guess.

Another incident which left me rather hmm... entertained.

2 kids were walking down the street with their maid and my neighbour's son happen to be playing with his maid at the front porch.

He said: EH!!! ( directed to the shuttlecork which the maid threw into the air.)

THe other 2 boys : WHO SAID EH?!!!! WHY YOU SAY EH?!!!

Well, i mean, these 2 boys sounded a bit pissed off and apparently i think they assumed that the "EH" was directed at them.

Lolz...

My immediate reaction: Whao whao whao....Aggressive sia.

Me? What was i doing all these while?

Haha. sitting by the window side, doing my "pain-in-the-ass" wax-ups to hand in when sch reopen.

And well, at least these 3 kids brightened up my evening.

Just couldn't stop laughing when i heard them saying that.

Kids kids kids...

They never fail to humor me.

haha.

I have no idea why, but i just found the scene super funny.

Perhaps, it's what dental sch does to you.

Makes you go crazy and laugh at little little stuff like a kuku.

heh heh.

I'll like to end this post with a ...

...

...

...

"EH!"

hahaha

P.S: i seriously think there is something VERY VERY wrong with my grammar today. Can't seem to form proper sentences CORRECTLY. So pardon me for that. haha

hmmmm

Almost going to be a month.

But memories of what i've seen over at cambodia are still vividly etched into my mind.

I think i will want to go back for a 2nd time, 3rd time and perhaps even more.

But will my school schedule allow me to do so?

Hectic year 3 and 4.

Insane year 2.

maybe i'll have to put this plan on hold till i graduate.

Then set up a FORMAL dental team and go there with lokun team twice a year.

So many things to do, so many people to help.

hmmmm