Meaning in life

Somehow, i just had the urge to blog more often than usual today. This is my 3rd entry.

Somehow i have so much to say, but i wonder how i should say it. How i should start it, what i should talk about, how to pen down my thoughts.

They are bugging me so much, i feel like my head's gonna burst.

I'm not having any problems, but just feeling a bit dis-illusioned about how my life should be.Whether it is going the way i would like, whether it could have been better.

What is my meaning in life? This question seemed to have opened another door in me.

Is this the way i want to lead my life? Maybe, maybe not.

But once again, i am amazed at the satisfaction i get in mugging. It makes me less worried somehow, but then again, it's most probably because it re-confirms the fact that i am behaving according to social norms.

Well, not many people are able to do what they love and excel at it. I wonder if this path i took is the one for me. It used to be something i wanted so much, but then..

I wonder how many cross-junctions i will have to cross in life. Somehow, i think i'm afraid to reach there. Looking at how people around me have regretted making the decisions they made and the sacrifice they have to make.

What is life, and what is the meaning of my life? I really have no clue.

Altruism was what i used to think, gives people meaning in life. Friends, another. Followed by family, career and what not that comes along. But then, looking around, there are so many people with all these in their lifes, but they aren't happy.

Maybe that's just a flaw in us, never contented nor satisfied. Is this what is giving me all these thoughts now?

A part of me wants to admit that i am just being a lucky person complaining about un-necessary stuff. But a little voice tells me this is not the case.

I'm scared. Life is too short for mistakes, life's too short for me to try things out. I don't want to live my life not knowing what i want, not doing what i will nv regret and not knowing my purpose of being in this world.

I don't want to keep thinking about the things i want to but never did, and regret my decision, hoping that there will be a next life where i will be able to do all these again. It's about cherishing the opportunities when they are there. But the thing is, how do i know if that is something that i will regret if i have decided to take it up?

There are so many things i would have liked to do but never got the guts to. And i have regrets in my life which i carry to my grave. But what can i do about them now?

Follow your dream, that's what people say. But easier said than done. Finding the dream is tougher than following it. How can you do something when you do not have a goal in mind? What satisfaction do you gain?

I guess this is so applicable to my situation, mugging without an aim. Just doing what i think is right since it makes me less worried and more at peace, although i know it is going to bring regrets later. Esp when i' on my death bed and i would have very much hoped that i spend less time studying and working.

But then again, maybe that is my way of doing something while i search for my meaning, only that is it taking up too much of my focus that i get dis-illusioned.

Mugging seems like the right thing to do. Follow social standards and feel normal. I mean, it's like everyone's doing it cos it felt like the right thing to do, but who really feels that this actually gives them the satisfaction they want in life?

Once again, how do you define satisfaction? How do you eliminate that emptiness within you?

Maybe my meaning in life is getting married and growing old with my partner and watching my kids grow. But if you look around, how many mothers have felt that they should and could have done more than just being a housewife?

What is my meaning in life? What is the purpose of me being in this world? What is it that i want, what should i do be able to peacefully say my prayers before i close my eyes as i approach the end of my life's journey and thank god for all that he has given me? What do i want in life?

It simply feels like a empty hole waiting to be filled up. But whatever fills up that hole in me, i hope it is something i will not regret. But then, whether this hole gets filled up is another obsolete topic.

Human beings are weird creatures, thinking about things which they can't even explain themselves.

Think about it, the social system has kinda forced people into making decision which they themselves aren't sure of. Choosing your career path when u're only 18 is just insane. But maybe that is the whole aim. The aim to pressurize us into making decisions which we aren't even sure of, the aim to make us make decisions according to what is deemed as the ' right" decision by the society so that everything runs smoothly. And before we know it, we are halfway into our lives, doing something we thought was right and socially acceptable, something that we thought we would have liked to do but feeling all empty inside at the end of the day. Worse still, we behave like robots, simply following a daily routine, pay our taxes, pay our bills, watch tv, shop and do all the things that we label as " leisure".

What is leisure then? Is it doing things that does not require much brain? Or does it refer to things which just takes us away from out robotic daily routine. Or is it something that we really enjoy doing, something we will feel great about, something we well be extremely satisfied about, something that we will enjoy so much that we crave for it every moment after that( not refering to sex).

What is my meaning in life?

Perhaps i'm really reaching the cross junction in my life now that's making me think about all these now. But i'm glad that at least i'm proud to tell myself that i am thinking, and i want to live a better life, one that i will not regret but be thankful of when i'm on my deathbed.

How i wish that " meaning" is something you can buy or obtain from supermarkets. I won't have such a hard time finding it, and yet return with empty hands.

I hope to find it soon.

Life's too short for me. I cannot wait.

I want to start living my life.

Now.