:(

Had a long day in school yesterday.

Talked to some people in school and felt.. kinda upset.

As i was just starting to put down the displeasures and stigma about school and environment,

to welcome school and enjoy myself.

I had to be reminded of the cruel truths of life.

How people commit acts of selfishness,

how people's personality changed as they gain a new title in front of their names.

and how the environment is towards the better people.

One classic quote that stuck me was : our environment is not one that favours the best. It's like the tallest tree is there to be chopped down. The best is to be unnoticed, keep a low profile, and not try to grow to be the taller trees. staying average is the way of survival.

this is so true. and i felt so disheartened.

As i listened more to others,

i realised that this place is so full of politics that even hearing them makes me so tired already.

I'm just shocked at how:

- people will throw away the exam case inlay of their enemies so that they'll stay back another 6 mths.

- how people can get so agitated and wanna hit the other with a chair just due to staff booking.

- how people can take other's instruments and use like their own without permission ( this happened to me). this is so common that somehow we're all so numbed to it already. it sounds horrific, but it's part of everyday life tat i dun feel anything other than irritation and exasperation.

But i'm quite saddened by the fact that:

- teaching method is a top-down approach and i feel so stupid and perhaps no more than an amoeba.

- how people can be nice to people with higher positions and treat us like this, i mean come on, we're going to graduate and be colleagues with everyone else, dont' they even realise that?

- how we are treated like junk sometimes when certain lifeforms of a much higher order than amoeba talks to us in disdain.

- how certain people are always waiting for a chance to catch us doing something we shouldn't do, when the rationale for doing so is good, like practising extra after certain hours. I mean if my student is that hardworking, i'll be so glad to close both my eyes and walk away instead of feeling proud and happy that i've caught someone.

- how we have to cater to people's mood swings and be nice to them, talk to them with respect as they talk to us as if we're so stupid and useless.

- how we need to withstand rude remarks from people whom we're told to be nice to, when in the first place, we did not offend them, when what we did wad either due to goodwill or simply because we didn't know about it at all.

- or how we need to play along and act all nice and happy when we're having a bad day, or even week and yet have to withstand other people's attitude simply because they had a bad day too? I mean, we didn't do it to them, what gives them the right to do it to us?

- how we need to put on a mask as we talk and deal with others because we cannot afford to get into trouble with other people, because whether we can finish on time and graduate depends so much on them? i hate the feeling of being so dependent on someone and having to be at other's mercy when that happens.

- how when we are taught, we aren't taught properly, but were often given less than satisfactory lectures by certain people and are expected to read up. and yet at the same time, they can keep saying that they understand how busy we are and so on? Don't they realise that they contradict themselves?

I'm starting to feel what i feel again.

and at the same time, lose my passion and drive to go on.

this is something which worries me.

But it's certainly a thought which pops up ever so often.

Just that i no longer have the thought of going on and moving on and proving them wrong.

Somehow.....

i feel so tired already.