...

Small conversations.. Deep thoughts.

#1

XX: hey, i saw your facebook photos, what were you doing? I've never seen you smile like that before.

me: photos? hur? oh you mean those.. took them during class outing last year. Yeah. my class is great.

XX: really u know. never see you laugh or smile like that before.

Ky: hah. really ah.. ya. was much happier back then la. not as much worries compared to now.

I didn't realise that there was a difference to my smile and all until she told me.
That was when i realise.. it's been so long since i had a good laugh.
And i realise i've not really laughed nor smiled as happily, as truthfully since start of sem last year.
Never.

That was when i realise that actually..... i am so unhappy.

#2

YY: You know ah, you're 2nd intaker, then you come in and do so well.. We, as the first intakers are like..... (does action of looking upwards, hands raised to face level, fingers all pointing upwards).

Me: Hur? Why leh?

YY: no la, just that you're 2nd intake, then you do even better than us, the first intake ones.. it's like we're like ..........( can't remember, but along the lines of being 'not gd enough?')

After this, the first thing that struck me was.. oh.. so perhaps, being a 2nd intaker.. i'm supposed to be lousier? I didn't get in the first time round cos i wasn't good enough. So.. i'm expected to be lousier because i am a 2nd intaker?
Although i knew it was simply said as a not so serious thing. And i didn't take it seriously, i just can't reflect upon it and it disturbed me all the more because it was said like a matter of fact kinda thing. Which i suppose it's because it's what they assumed until they were proved wrong.

Somehow, i'm glad i worked hard.

I'm glad i proved them wrong.

Showed them that being in doesn't mean anything else.

All the things about elites.

I don't support elitism.

#3

ZZ: "Wa. it's an honor to have you with us during lunch time lor. Always pang seh us one lor..."

Makes me wonder. what does "pang seh" means. In the first place, i've never promised anyone i will have lunch with them and abandon them afterwards. If i've never promised, when where does the pang seh comes from?

Being always as a whole during the week. it is an obligation to lunch together or go out together etc? Is it a duty i have to fulfil? Why do i have to bear with such comments over and over and over AGAIN AND AGAIN?!!!

I come to school to study. Period.

I've never promised anyone and so. where does " pang seh" comes from?

Stop asking me " Where does your loyalty lies?"

Loyal? Define loyalty to me. Did i do anything to betray?

And stop talking about rag 07 and harping on that issue.

My answer to that question will be

" My loyalty lies with my friends."